Thursday, November 15, 2007
improving mood by talking to yourself
Can talking to yourself help your state of mind? I'm willing to try, and I'm starting small. Every morning I noticed that I would wake up stressed, thinking "Today I SHOULD do this or that, or everything. Supposedly, and I believe it, this is bad for your mental health. All those imperatives in your brain. It turns yourself into a slave driver. And the only person you're driving is yourself. Ok, so I tried to step back and eliminate the "shoulds." But they were always lurking in my brain- at first a subtle reminder, then an order. "Oh, go to hell" is what I wanted to tell my brain. Finally one day recently, it just came to me-- Hey, let's just substitute COULD for SHOULD. Amazingly, this works really well, at least with me. I Could iron today. I Could fire the kiln today. I Could swim today. I Could caulk all around the house. Etc. Etc. and whatever applies to you. I Could put this in my blog, and I did.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Going to East Nashville
56 years ago I was born in Nashville. I am a native- a rare and vanishing breed here. But there is one part of Nashville about which I know very little- East Nashville- across the bridges over the Cumberland River. I had never been to East Nashville until last week! Susan called me to go have brunch there and look at the cute shops. She wanted to know if I knew where this restaurant was. "Susan", I said, "I've never BEEN to East Nashville. My mother told me NEVER to cross that bridge!" Now I must tell you that it was a reasonable warning back in my younger days. Now, East Nashville is undergoing a rejuvenation, and lovely homes are being renovated and restored. There are some great restaurants and cute shops. But I really didn't know how to get there (other than crossing the river). So, I picked up another friend who was going and we decided to get lost together. We found the restaurant after being a little lost, and we all looked at "cute" shops afterward. It was just like going to a completely different city! I know that there is still a lot of crime there, but East Nashville deserves to come back strong and safe. Maybe I'll even go back there one day.
Beets and digestive tract
Fresh beets are such a great fall vegetable. Over the years I have cooked beets many times, but only last week did I roast some beets- and they were yummy! Here is how I did it: First I cut the greens off and scrubbed the beets well. Then, I parboiled them for about 10 minutes, dried the beets, and rolled them in olive oil. I sprinkled them with Kosher salt and ground some pepper, then roasted them in a 500 degree oven for about 20 minutes. Tasty. Rebecca was at the house for dinner and she snarfed beets too.
The next day I had the most horrifying moment of looking at the contents of the toilet, and thinking that I was bleeding from the colon. The whole business was red! I was already planning my funeral by the time I flushed. After a few minutes of hyperventilaing, I thought, "Hey, wait a minute- that must be beets" Or at least I'll THINK that it is beets unless this should happen again. Being the helpful person that I am, I told Jon, "Hey don't get all nervous if you have bright red poop- it's the beets. He just looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "Who looks?" Me, that's who.
Later that night before I went to bed, I was talking to Rebecca. We chatted about this and that, and then she said, "Mom, a little alarming about the beets." Immediately, I knew what she was talking about, burst out laughing, and said, "thank goodness, at least I know it wasn't just me, or worse, BLOOD!" Then we got the giggles which increased when I said that Jon never mentioned it. Bec said, "He must be one of the .2% who don't look." Exactly! was my comment.
So enjoy those beets, but expect the unexpected!!!
The next day I had the most horrifying moment of looking at the contents of the toilet, and thinking that I was bleeding from the colon. The whole business was red! I was already planning my funeral by the time I flushed. After a few minutes of hyperventilaing, I thought, "Hey, wait a minute- that must be beets" Or at least I'll THINK that it is beets unless this should happen again. Being the helpful person that I am, I told Jon, "Hey don't get all nervous if you have bright red poop- it's the beets. He just looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "Who looks?" Me, that's who.
Later that night before I went to bed, I was talking to Rebecca. We chatted about this and that, and then she said, "Mom, a little alarming about the beets." Immediately, I knew what she was talking about, burst out laughing, and said, "thank goodness, at least I know it wasn't just me, or worse, BLOOD!" Then we got the giggles which increased when I said that Jon never mentioned it. Bec said, "He must be one of the .2% who don't look." Exactly! was my comment.
So enjoy those beets, but expect the unexpected!!!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The end of daylight savings time
Time again for me to complain about the short days until December 21 when the winter solstice occurs and the days begin to slowly, ever so slowly, lengthen. Night just comes way too soon now. If I were in the mental institution (where I probably belong) I would be one of the people that the doctors call "sundowners". They go crazy when it gets dark. I love the light of daytime. When Jon gets up early, or I get up to go to the bathroom before the sun comes up, I open the shades so that the sun will awaken me naturally by shining on my face. When we built this house I had all the rooms except one bathroom and the laundry room have windows on at least two sides. Ah, the sun! I'm sorry, Rob, but I don't think that I can move to Seattle. They don't make enough Zoloft to keep me sane where the sun doesn't shine for months at a time. Also, we are on top of the hill where we get the last bits of sun much longer than the people in the valley. How sad it is to see the my friend the sun disappear. I love the moon too, but she can't compensate for it being dark. So time for us all to burn more lights, light more candles, and to look forward to when the days are long again.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
raising kids
I've been thinking about how serious these young new parents seem to be about raising their children. I mean, it is a serious business, but they seem to make some mountains out of molehills. Take potty training for instance. Have you noticed that parents are not potty training these kids until they are old enough to be changing their own diapers? Was our generation warped by using the toilet from an early age? I think not.
Here is how I did it and my kids seem fairly normal. At about 15 months for Rebecca and 20 months for Rob, I just took off their diapers and let them run around the house with nothing on their bottom. It didn't take long for them to figure out that the previous contents of their diapers were coming from them! It was also a lot easier to catch them urinating or pooping and run the kid to the potty. It only took a week and it was over. Of course, I made a to do over "big girl" panties or "big boy" pants. Then at night before I went to sleep, I would pick up the sleeping child, go to the potty, put them on it, and say "GO!". I ran the water in the sink for adding stimulus. They would "go", and back to bed they went. Worked for me. I asked Rebecca the other day if I said "GO", if she would have the urge to go pee. She looked at me thoughtfully, and said "Maybe."
When it came to taking away a bottle or pacifier I was a total failure. it probably didn't help that I took a bottle myself until I was four. And, for the record, my teeth are perfect. Why, I don't know, but dentists are always amazed. Maybe it was all that milk. Anyway, back to the scandalous tale. Rob and Rebecca both took bottles until after they were two. And Rebecca and the pacifier. That is a whole "nother story. She loved her pacifiers. There was the "worker"- the one that worked, I guess, and the white one (self explanatory) I've forgotten the other names, but there were others that were not very popular with Bec. She could say the word pacifier perfectly at one year because the Mother's Day Out personnel were always searching for it for Rebecca. She could talk at age one and I would ask a question , pop the pacifier out ( a literal pop) and then stick it back in after the answer. This went on until she was almost three. I had always called a pacifier a "fooler". Rebecca called it an Ooh Fooh. Or I should say she called it an ooh fooh at home and a facifier everywhere else. At night sometimes I would hear her calling out "oooooh fooooooooo" I would go into her room, and usually find the worker under the bed or stuck to her hair because it had gotten so sticky. Jon's mother summed up my sentiments on the subject perfectly. She said, "Let her husband worry about it." That shut people up. One time Rebecca stayed with some good friend's children and the babysitter while we all went out for the evening. When we got home Rebecca was sobbing hysterically. It transpired that the babysitter thought she was way too old for a pacifier and refused to let her have it! I let the babysitter have it though.
Rob's love was cars from a very early age. He loved books about cars, playing with cars, pretending to work on cars (getting underneath chairs with a screwdriver). One day Dana and I stopped at the Goodwill box and picked up a big old metal pedal car. Rob LOVED it. He would wash the car all the time. Sadly, my mother got rid of it. Later Rob loved real cars. He also had a history of bad luck with cars. His first car had a tree fall on it before he ever drove the car. Then he wrecked one. Then Rob wrecked another one. Then a deer ran in front of him for another wreck. Then his girlfriend wrecked his car. We call him Wreck 'em up Rob. It was frustrating especially after the insurance was cancelled for all of us. But thank God, he was never hurt. He still loves cars. But now other things and people are more important like his wife, his dog Basco, his home, garden, computers, job, hiking, camping, and living in Seattle.
By the way, Rebecca at age 28 does not still have a pacifier. I did buy her a candy pacifier one time as a joke though. She seemed to really enjoy it.
Here is how I did it and my kids seem fairly normal. At about 15 months for Rebecca and 20 months for Rob, I just took off their diapers and let them run around the house with nothing on their bottom. It didn't take long for them to figure out that the previous contents of their diapers were coming from them! It was also a lot easier to catch them urinating or pooping and run the kid to the potty. It only took a week and it was over. Of course, I made a to do over "big girl" panties or "big boy" pants. Then at night before I went to sleep, I would pick up the sleeping child, go to the potty, put them on it, and say "GO!". I ran the water in the sink for adding stimulus. They would "go", and back to bed they went. Worked for me. I asked Rebecca the other day if I said "GO", if she would have the urge to go pee. She looked at me thoughtfully, and said "Maybe."
When it came to taking away a bottle or pacifier I was a total failure. it probably didn't help that I took a bottle myself until I was four. And, for the record, my teeth are perfect. Why, I don't know, but dentists are always amazed. Maybe it was all that milk. Anyway, back to the scandalous tale. Rob and Rebecca both took bottles until after they were two. And Rebecca and the pacifier. That is a whole "nother story. She loved her pacifiers. There was the "worker"- the one that worked, I guess, and the white one (self explanatory) I've forgotten the other names, but there were others that were not very popular with Bec. She could say the word pacifier perfectly at one year because the Mother's Day Out personnel were always searching for it for Rebecca. She could talk at age one and I would ask a question , pop the pacifier out ( a literal pop) and then stick it back in after the answer. This went on until she was almost three. I had always called a pacifier a "fooler". Rebecca called it an Ooh Fooh. Or I should say she called it an ooh fooh at home and a facifier everywhere else. At night sometimes I would hear her calling out "oooooh fooooooooo" I would go into her room, and usually find the worker under the bed or stuck to her hair because it had gotten so sticky. Jon's mother summed up my sentiments on the subject perfectly. She said, "Let her husband worry about it." That shut people up. One time Rebecca stayed with some good friend's children and the babysitter while we all went out for the evening. When we got home Rebecca was sobbing hysterically. It transpired that the babysitter thought she was way too old for a pacifier and refused to let her have it! I let the babysitter have it though.
Rob's love was cars from a very early age. He loved books about cars, playing with cars, pretending to work on cars (getting underneath chairs with a screwdriver). One day Dana and I stopped at the Goodwill box and picked up a big old metal pedal car. Rob LOVED it. He would wash the car all the time. Sadly, my mother got rid of it. Later Rob loved real cars. He also had a history of bad luck with cars. His first car had a tree fall on it before he ever drove the car. Then he wrecked one. Then Rob wrecked another one. Then a deer ran in front of him for another wreck. Then his girlfriend wrecked his car. We call him Wreck 'em up Rob. It was frustrating especially after the insurance was cancelled for all of us. But thank God, he was never hurt. He still loves cars. But now other things and people are more important like his wife, his dog Basco, his home, garden, computers, job, hiking, camping, and living in Seattle.
By the way, Rebecca at age 28 does not still have a pacifier. I did buy her a candy pacifier one time as a joke though. She seemed to really enjoy it.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
getting a mammogram
Really I am so thankful that we have modern medicine with tests like a mammogram. So many women have found an early cancer that way and their lives were saved. However, I DREAD and HATE having that annual smashing event. In fact, in my case, it isn't quite annual since I usually take a little additional time to psych myself into it. This year I was due for the mammogram in July, and I am having it next week. Not too bad! Usually I start worrying the month it is due, then wonder if I am hearing more about breast cancer- and if that is a warning from above- then I put a note to myself every day to make the appointment, and finally I do it. I have a week or so to really get worried after making the appointment which requires me to do a breast check every day, several times a day.
This year I am trying a new place for the mammogram. I told my doctor that I couldn't stand being in there for hours, so he is sending me to a more private place in Cool Springs, fortunately associated with Vanderbilt. Yesterday, I went to pick up my previous mammograms from Baptist Hosp. It is upsetting me seeing that big green envelope sitting on my desk. I wouldn't open it for anything.
Here is why I hate getting a mammogram other than the worrying part of possibly having something wrong.
First of all, you have to take off your bra and top, then put on a hospital gown- tied in front. This means you have to clutch it closed all the time. The ties are at least a foot apart. You are also required to remove your deoderant so that the metallic salts (aluminum) won't interfere with the test. So, you sweat and feel like maybe you could be getting stinky.
Next you go into a room of women just like you all clutching their gowns and looking terrified. One by one names are called and off they go. Finally, it is your turn. A new indignity! They tape BBs to your nipples to "identify" them. The technician then proceeds to place you in impossible positions and smashing your breasts WAY flatter than you thought humanly possible. It strongly resembles some form of torture.
The following step is that you go into another room (BBs intact) to wait and see if you need more tests. Everyone knows that if you get called back again that it is bad news. Sure the tech may say it was fuzzy or something, but still that is not good. Finally, finally, you are released to spray on my deoderant, remove your BBs, and dress. Now all you have to do is wait for some radiologist to finally get around to looking at your mammogram, send a report to your doctor, and then have him or her mail an all clear, or God forbid, call you with bad news.
I'll do it, but I think there should be a better way.
This year I am trying a new place for the mammogram. I told my doctor that I couldn't stand being in there for hours, so he is sending me to a more private place in Cool Springs, fortunately associated with Vanderbilt. Yesterday, I went to pick up my previous mammograms from Baptist Hosp. It is upsetting me seeing that big green envelope sitting on my desk. I wouldn't open it for anything.
Here is why I hate getting a mammogram other than the worrying part of possibly having something wrong.
First of all, you have to take off your bra and top, then put on a hospital gown- tied in front. This means you have to clutch it closed all the time. The ties are at least a foot apart. You are also required to remove your deoderant so that the metallic salts (aluminum) won't interfere with the test. So, you sweat and feel like maybe you could be getting stinky.
Next you go into a room of women just like you all clutching their gowns and looking terrified. One by one names are called and off they go. Finally, it is your turn. A new indignity! They tape BBs to your nipples to "identify" them. The technician then proceeds to place you in impossible positions and smashing your breasts WAY flatter than you thought humanly possible. It strongly resembles some form of torture.
The following step is that you go into another room (BBs intact) to wait and see if you need more tests. Everyone knows that if you get called back again that it is bad news. Sure the tech may say it was fuzzy or something, but still that is not good. Finally, finally, you are released to spray on my deoderant, remove your BBs, and dress. Now all you have to do is wait for some radiologist to finally get around to looking at your mammogram, send a report to your doctor, and then have him or her mail an all clear, or God forbid, call you with bad news.
I'll do it, but I think there should be a better way.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Bella and the salmon run
It seemed like such a nice morning for a walk to the salmon stream. Here at Minter Creek the salmon are running, and we decided to take a walk to the creek to look at the fish making their way up the stream to breed and die. I watched from the bridge for a minute and then decided to take the path to the creek for a closer view. Big Mistake!!!!! Bella the mighty huntress escaped, dragging me into the muddy creek, while she jumped wildly among the big salmon. Then, she snatched one up, and shook it. Bella's collar was off, and she was WILD. She had that salmon and was not letting go. Finally, I managed to grab her by the tail and put her collar back on. Poor salmon- it was at death's door. In order to get Bella back up the hill and to the road, I had to push her muddy butt, beat the hell out of her (NOT my normal activity) and pull her up. It was so hard that I was panting and on the verge of tears. Remember that Bella weighs almost 100 pounds- not much less than me, and she is much stronger. Finally, finally I got her to the road, and had to walk back to the rental house covered with mud- and was wearing a skirt.
Once I got Bella back I knew that she would realize what that splashing in the creek behind the deck was. It was those fish! Those wonderful fish that are so much fun to catch. I told Jon what had happened and said that he needed to watch her while I went in. Two minutes later I came out, and there was Bella- down in the muddy creek wildly chasing salmon. Jon went down and finally got Bella, then rigged up a harness to keep her on the deck. In the past Bella has killed a fawn, raccoon, squirrel, rabbit, vole, mouse, mole, and now a fish. She had to feed herself and her puppies before I rescued Bella. She was abused and pathetic, so I can't fault her survival instincts.
Now we are in Seattle spending the night with Rob and Amelia. We ate Salmon for supper. It was good, but I kept thinking of that poor fish in the stream.
Once I got Bella back I knew that she would realize what that splashing in the creek behind the deck was. It was those fish! Those wonderful fish that are so much fun to catch. I told Jon what had happened and said that he needed to watch her while I went in. Two minutes later I came out, and there was Bella- down in the muddy creek wildly chasing salmon. Jon went down and finally got Bella, then rigged up a harness to keep her on the deck. In the past Bella has killed a fawn, raccoon, squirrel, rabbit, vole, mouse, mole, and now a fish. She had to feed herself and her puppies before I rescued Bella. She was abused and pathetic, so I can't fault her survival instincts.
Now we are in Seattle spending the night with Rob and Amelia. We ate Salmon for supper. It was good, but I kept thinking of that poor fish in the stream.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Driving from Nashville to Seattle
Let's just say first of all- Thank God for antidepressants. We drove with a hundred pound dog from Nashville to Seattle, and made it. Secondly, What do they do with all that corn in Nebraska? Miles upon miles upon miles of corn. We have a diesel car, but never got to try biodiesel. Maybe on the way back.
I hear that it was over 100 degrees in Nashville, but it has been COLD here. This morning was 58 degrees. It reminds me of the quote from Mark Twain, "The coldest winter that I ever spent was the summer in San Francisco." We rented a house sight unseen on Minter Creek. It is a long way from anywhere, although it is ostensibly in Gig Harbor. The house is on a tidal creek which is full of birds, salmon, and other creatures, but most of the time it looks like a mud flat. Also the house is dark as Egypt (a southern saying referring to calling outhouses Egypt.) One of the first things that I did was to go buy new bright light bulbs. They were PC with the compact flourescents. To hell with PC. I've got to see to pluck my chin hairs.
I'm sure everyone wonders if I got in knock down drag out fights with my husband. A few minor skirmishes, but no major battles. It has been nice to see my son and his wife. Another downside to this house is that my cell phone has no reception. The wifi also does not work. At one point, feeling rather cranky, I said that I may as well be in a tent in Alaska. Not quite, but close.
In addition, I have been trying to calm down about not talking to my daughter 15 times a day. I suppose this is all good for me. I do hope that all my muscles don't atrophy in this month. What if I can never swim a mile again. What if my butt gets bigger? To illustrate how plebeian I am, while my son and husband were sea kayaking, I went to the local Target for fun, then the grocery to admire wine sold actually in a grocery, and then to the fruit stand. Does this make me really boring, or easily satisfied? I bought some magazines and papers for my reading enjoyment too.
Here's hoping that I don't crack anytime soon.
I hear that it was over 100 degrees in Nashville, but it has been COLD here. This morning was 58 degrees. It reminds me of the quote from Mark Twain, "The coldest winter that I ever spent was the summer in San Francisco." We rented a house sight unseen on Minter Creek. It is a long way from anywhere, although it is ostensibly in Gig Harbor. The house is on a tidal creek which is full of birds, salmon, and other creatures, but most of the time it looks like a mud flat. Also the house is dark as Egypt (a southern saying referring to calling outhouses Egypt.) One of the first things that I did was to go buy new bright light bulbs. They were PC with the compact flourescents. To hell with PC. I've got to see to pluck my chin hairs.
I'm sure everyone wonders if I got in knock down drag out fights with my husband. A few minor skirmishes, but no major battles. It has been nice to see my son and his wife. Another downside to this house is that my cell phone has no reception. The wifi also does not work. At one point, feeling rather cranky, I said that I may as well be in a tent in Alaska. Not quite, but close.
In addition, I have been trying to calm down about not talking to my daughter 15 times a day. I suppose this is all good for me. I do hope that all my muscles don't atrophy in this month. What if I can never swim a mile again. What if my butt gets bigger? To illustrate how plebeian I am, while my son and husband were sea kayaking, I went to the local Target for fun, then the grocery to admire wine sold actually in a grocery, and then to the fruit stand. Does this make me really boring, or easily satisfied? I bought some magazines and papers for my reading enjoyment too.
Here's hoping that I don't crack anytime soon.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Skunks
Another perk of living in the country is wildlife all around. It is usually lots of fun and exciting to see, except when the wildlife is black with a white stripe- a polecat, aka skunk. Well, last week we had seen three skunks in the yard, and one was an albino, wandering around in the day. If you see a skunk in the day, that is bad news. They are nocturnal animals and this usually means a sick skunk. In addition, the skunk family was near the house and seemed unafraid of humans. Bella went out one late afternoon, saw Mr. Skunk, and took off away from me. Bella made a quick grab for her prey, then flipped, and immediately began to rub frantically on the ground. It only took a nonosecond for the miasma of burning rubber smell (that is how it smells to me) to reach me. I had to grab Bella and run for the house and into the shower. Everything reeked- Bella, me, the house, everything. I put out those electric air filters, lit candles, washed everything washable that had touched her, and sprayed Febreeze on Bella. Yes, Febreeze. I read the label and it seems to be non toxic- made from corn. It helps a lot. I don't know if anyone else has tried it, but it mitigates the odor better than hydrogen peroxide, I can tell you for a fact.
Anyway, over the next few days we saw the skunks again in the day. I made a call to the vet and left a message with the State people. The concensus was that they were probably rabid and needed to be killed. How upsetting. I hate to kill anything, even bugs. But Jon went out when we saw one dudring the day and shot it. There was another the next day, and another the next. A friend was talking to me about the sadness of having to kill a living creature, but she did say something probably quite true. "If they are sick and suffering it is not bad to put then out of their misery." The State people (in charge of Rabies, I guess) told me that over 50% of the skunks tested around here in Middle Tennessee are rabid. Interestingly enough, only 20% of the bats are rabid, and there aren't any rabid raccoons here. There are plenty of them in East Tennesseee though. By the time we killed the third one, I was totally paranoid, and had Bella revacinated. She had her shot for Rabies in March, but I wanted to be really sure. I asked the State guy how skunks got rabies, and he said that they give it to each other. I hope that there aren't any more around. Watch out for skunks in the daytime.
Anyway, over the next few days we saw the skunks again in the day. I made a call to the vet and left a message with the State people. The concensus was that they were probably rabid and needed to be killed. How upsetting. I hate to kill anything, even bugs. But Jon went out when we saw one dudring the day and shot it. There was another the next day, and another the next. A friend was talking to me about the sadness of having to kill a living creature, but she did say something probably quite true. "If they are sick and suffering it is not bad to put then out of their misery." The State people (in charge of Rabies, I guess) told me that over 50% of the skunks tested around here in Middle Tennessee are rabid. Interestingly enough, only 20% of the bats are rabid, and there aren't any rabid raccoons here. There are plenty of them in East Tennesseee though. By the time we killed the third one, I was totally paranoid, and had Bella revacinated. She had her shot for Rabies in March, but I wanted to be really sure. I asked the State guy how skunks got rabies, and he said that they give it to each other. I hope that there aren't any more around. Watch out for skunks in the daytime.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
candy
Back when my kids were small I would occasionally let them buy their favorite candy in the grocery store while I shopped. I'd hand over the money and they would go get their treat. When I asked what they bought, Rob or Rebecca would answer with a mouth full of "something"---Annihilators!!!! That name seemed to be a little grusome for candy, but it must be good, or the kids wouldn't want to get it all the time. One day, years later, I mentioned that I thought that was a really odd name for their favorite candy and the kids burst out laughing. "Annihilators!!!!!- Not Annihilators- NOW AND LATERS! Ever heard of them?
Once when Rob was about three or four years old he went to the bank with me, and they gave him a sour ball type candy. In the car I heard a horrible sound, and looked back to see Rob choking. The sour ball had lodged in his throat. Somehow I got it out- I don't know how. It was in the days before the Heimlich, so I think that I did what you aren't supposed to do and stuck my hand in his throat and flipped it out. It is all a blur though. From then on, I lived in fear of "hard candy". None allowed in my house! If the kids ever got some sour ball or fire ball type candy they had to bite it in half immediately! - In my presence! My warning for years, even after they were grown, was, "wear your seat belt, park in a safe place, and don't eat any hard candy."
Rob's favorite candy for a while was Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I'd pack them in his lunch box every day. One day he came back home totally panicked, and showed me his uneaten (but with a bite out) Reeses. There were little meal worms in the filling. They are harmless of course, but icky. That was his last Reese's P.B. Cup- as far as I know.
Rebecca loved candy so much that I felt I must have failed as a mother somehow. She loved candy so much we called her "candy head". Once after Easter she ate so much candy that she developed an allergy to Yellow Number 5- a common coloring agent in candies. She would sneak candy from Nanny's house and eat it under her bed. Rebecca was found out by the ring of stickiness around her mouth. We also called her "glue mouth" or sometimes that was shortened to "glumuth". Rebecca still likes candy, but now cares a lot about her figure and health too. I guess it wasn't really a failure on my part that ol' "Candy Head" loved her sweets.
Once when Rob was about three or four years old he went to the bank with me, and they gave him a sour ball type candy. In the car I heard a horrible sound, and looked back to see Rob choking. The sour ball had lodged in his throat. Somehow I got it out- I don't know how. It was in the days before the Heimlich, so I think that I did what you aren't supposed to do and stuck my hand in his throat and flipped it out. It is all a blur though. From then on, I lived in fear of "hard candy". None allowed in my house! If the kids ever got some sour ball or fire ball type candy they had to bite it in half immediately! - In my presence! My warning for years, even after they were grown, was, "wear your seat belt, park in a safe place, and don't eat any hard candy."
Rob's favorite candy for a while was Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I'd pack them in his lunch box every day. One day he came back home totally panicked, and showed me his uneaten (but with a bite out) Reeses. There were little meal worms in the filling. They are harmless of course, but icky. That was his last Reese's P.B. Cup- as far as I know.
Rebecca loved candy so much that I felt I must have failed as a mother somehow. She loved candy so much we called her "candy head". Once after Easter she ate so much candy that she developed an allergy to Yellow Number 5- a common coloring agent in candies. She would sneak candy from Nanny's house and eat it under her bed. Rebecca was found out by the ring of stickiness around her mouth. We also called her "glue mouth" or sometimes that was shortened to "glumuth". Rebecca still likes candy, but now cares a lot about her figure and health too. I guess it wasn't really a failure on my part that ol' "Candy Head" loved her sweets.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Foot Fetishers
Did you ever think that it was a joke that some guys were turned on by feet? It is not a joke. First of all, I must preface this post by saying that I always have painted toe nails and I love to wear flip flops- fancy flipflops with sequins and beads, preferably hot pink. My feet are pretty small too, so I guess they look ok- for feet. Summer time is prime season for the foot fetish people. All of my experiences happen in the summer. Well, you could hardly expect someone to see through your socks and winter shoes to admire your feet. So now, I will relate two of these run ins with foot people.
I was home alone one night when a neighbor who was on the Board of Directors of the Home Owners Association called me. I was president of the Board, so there was nothing unusual about the call. Mark (names have been changed to protect the guilty) said that he wanted to come over to discuss something. No alarm bells went off in my head. He was a nerdy type of guy, married, and seemed as normal as anyone around here. (That is- not REAL normal, but close enough). So, I let him in, I got us something to drink, and I waited to hear what new neighborhood disaster was disturbing Mark. He spoke of this and that, and I noticed that he kept looking at my bare feet. I had my legs up on the coffee table, and figured that he just thought legs didn't belong on coffee tables, even your own table! The next thing I knew, he sidled a little closer, and said, "Can we have sex?" I was so taken aback that I just said, "No Mark!" Then he moved a little closer as I moved away and asked, "Then can I go down on you?" Horrors! All that I could think of was- how the hell can I get this nut case out of here, and who knew he was insane? Also, why did I let Mark in here when hubby was gone? My answer to that request was "NO!" Then he leaned in to me and whispered, "Then can I suck your toes?!?" Eeeyew! What I was really thinking was that I really needed to repaint my toes. Mark looked affronted, and said, "Well, you don't have to look so disgusted!" I jumped up, pointed my (unpainted) finger at Mark, and said "YOU have to go- NOW". Then unbelieveably he said, "Well what are you going to do if I say no?" At that I felt panicked, and the only think that I could think to say was- "If you don't go- then- I'm going to cry!" Mark said, "Oh damn, I hate to see a woman cry- I'm leaving." I more or less shoved him out the door- locked it, drew the shades, and got my gun. From then on I avoided Mark but always acted pleasant. We have never mentioned it and he never looks at my feet.
The other time I am going to talk about was in Florida. I was in a Wal Mart in Pensacola with my husband, daughter, and her friend. They all went off to look at CDs, Videos, and fun things like that while I had the cart to get groceries. I was pushing up one aisle and down another, and vaguely noticed the same guy passing me back and forth. Anyone who has ever gone grocery shopping knows that is not unusual at all. If you maintain approximately the same pace, you'll see the same person on every aisle. In the bread aisle this man stopped me with an "Ahem, Ma'am?" I thought he was going to ask me if I knew where something like where the Wheat Chex was, so I stopped with a pleasant smile on my face to hear what he was going to say. Then this nice gentleman looked at me and asked, "Can I massage your feet?" My reply was a flustered, "No thank you, not now." And I sped off like Mario Andretti to relay my latest to the family.
There have been a couple of other times, one just a month ago or so when I was at the pool, and the lifeguard said, "I love your toes!" I could feel them curling up but just gave a sprightly "Thanks". From then on I've wondered if he studies my toes when I do a flip turn!
There is a pic of my feet, my daughter's, and my son's feet as the next post. Doesn't do anything for me. I used to draw faces with a pen on the kid's big toes and then take pictures of them. I still do it if they let me. Maybe I attract these foot people in some cosmic way that I don't know about. Better that they have a fetish for feet than some other body parts, if you ask me.
I was home alone one night when a neighbor who was on the Board of Directors of the Home Owners Association called me. I was president of the Board, so there was nothing unusual about the call. Mark (names have been changed to protect the guilty) said that he wanted to come over to discuss something. No alarm bells went off in my head. He was a nerdy type of guy, married, and seemed as normal as anyone around here. (That is- not REAL normal, but close enough). So, I let him in, I got us something to drink, and I waited to hear what new neighborhood disaster was disturbing Mark. He spoke of this and that, and I noticed that he kept looking at my bare feet. I had my legs up on the coffee table, and figured that he just thought legs didn't belong on coffee tables, even your own table! The next thing I knew, he sidled a little closer, and said, "Can we have sex?" I was so taken aback that I just said, "No Mark!" Then he moved a little closer as I moved away and asked, "Then can I go down on you?" Horrors! All that I could think of was- how the hell can I get this nut case out of here, and who knew he was insane? Also, why did I let Mark in here when hubby was gone? My answer to that request was "NO!" Then he leaned in to me and whispered, "Then can I suck your toes?!?" Eeeyew! What I was really thinking was that I really needed to repaint my toes. Mark looked affronted, and said, "Well, you don't have to look so disgusted!" I jumped up, pointed my (unpainted) finger at Mark, and said "YOU have to go- NOW". Then unbelieveably he said, "Well what are you going to do if I say no?" At that I felt panicked, and the only think that I could think to say was- "If you don't go- then- I'm going to cry!" Mark said, "Oh damn, I hate to see a woman cry- I'm leaving." I more or less shoved him out the door- locked it, drew the shades, and got my gun. From then on I avoided Mark but always acted pleasant. We have never mentioned it and he never looks at my feet.
The other time I am going to talk about was in Florida. I was in a Wal Mart in Pensacola with my husband, daughter, and her friend. They all went off to look at CDs, Videos, and fun things like that while I had the cart to get groceries. I was pushing up one aisle and down another, and vaguely noticed the same guy passing me back and forth. Anyone who has ever gone grocery shopping knows that is not unusual at all. If you maintain approximately the same pace, you'll see the same person on every aisle. In the bread aisle this man stopped me with an "Ahem, Ma'am?" I thought he was going to ask me if I knew where something like where the Wheat Chex was, so I stopped with a pleasant smile on my face to hear what he was going to say. Then this nice gentleman looked at me and asked, "Can I massage your feet?" My reply was a flustered, "No thank you, not now." And I sped off like Mario Andretti to relay my latest to the family.
There have been a couple of other times, one just a month ago or so when I was at the pool, and the lifeguard said, "I love your toes!" I could feel them curling up but just gave a sprightly "Thanks". From then on I've wondered if he studies my toes when I do a flip turn!
There is a pic of my feet, my daughter's, and my son's feet as the next post. Doesn't do anything for me. I used to draw faces with a pen on the kid's big toes and then take pictures of them. I still do it if they let me. Maybe I attract these foot people in some cosmic way that I don't know about. Better that they have a fetish for feet than some other body parts, if you ask me.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Cutting your own hair
Last night I looked in the mirror and was just sick of my hair. The length was wrong, the shape was wrong, and I was just not happy with my hair. I also wasn't happy with the idea of paying fifty dollars to have my usual hair person cut it. I am so broke. So what did I do? I picked up my scissors to just "trim the ends a little." The way that I like my hair is tapered- shorter in the front and longer in the back, so that if you looked at me from behind it would look like a "U". I trimmed the ends a little, but one side didn't match the otherr, so I cut some more, and then the back was too long compared to the sides! That required a mirror and looking at the reflection with the scissors in my hand. It isn't easy to hold a mirror and cut your hair. You are liable to make a mistake!! And I did!! So then I had to cut the sides some more, and then the front some more, and then the back again! In the end, I had lopped off about three inches. But you know what? It looked ok. My hair is wavy, and it hides a lot of flaws. No matterr who cuts it (even me) it kind of looks the same. The really odd thing is that my husband never noticed- even with the wastebasket full of hair. That's alright- he says that I still look 21 years old to him too.
Monday, May 7, 2007
ticks
Those wretched little creatures are everywhere outside. Last night I woke up to feel a crawling sensation on my thigh. In the winter, I would just scratch, but his time of year I jump up, turn on the light, and study the body part for a brown dot crawling around. I found two on me in the night- one stuck, and one crawling. Yeech. As grossed out as I am by them, I don't have near the typical reaction that one finds in the general city dwelling populace. My trusty tweezers are always at the ready! Sometimes you need a mirror too when the ticks are in "difficult" locations. Around here the most common tick seems to be the Lone Star tick, but the most horrible are the "seed" ticks. They are really nymph ticks that latch on by the hundreds when you disturb the nursery. They are so tiny- about the size of the period at the end of the sentence. The itchy bump that they will leave is not tiny at all however. They are REALLY hard to see, but not hard to feel the little army of bugs. If these seed ticks ever get on you, the only thing to do is to strip all of your clothes off, throw them in the washer, put yourself in the shower, and scrub hard with a washcloth and soap. Hopefully you will dislodge all of the ticks. My favorite treatment is to pour alcohol on a cloth first and scrub, then the shower technique. The next crucial step is to NEVER go back to that location again until winter, or until you have blasted the area with insecticide. I don't care how "green" you are, if you have thousands of seed ticks speeding up your body, you would use DDT if you had any. When we were about to build this house, I took a giant pump spray bottle of bug poison to spray in front of me, and then when I stopped I would spray a large circle around me. Ticks do carry some pretty nasty diseases around here like erlichiosis, Lyne disease, and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. After my big adventure having West Nile Fever, I want to avoid all bug borne diseases. But, as I said, I just pull those ticks off and make a mental note so that if I come down with something, I'll think Tick disease.
Now here is an interesting fact about the ticks that get on me and latch on. They die. That is right. When I find one actually attached to my body, it is always dead. My husband is my witness to this., I wonder if my blood is toxic to them. Could it be all those vitamins? Or could it be the antidepressant? Or is it just me? Whatever it is it makes them easy to remove. If you should have a live tick attached to you, get some alcohol, a cotton ball, and tweezers. Swab the area, then carefully lift the body of the tick. Pull slowly but steadily trying not to leave the mouthpiece in you. Then wipe the whole area with alcohol again. (this is my technique, not endorsed by anybody that I know of) Discard tick down the drain or toilet. From now on check yourself regularly- including hidden areas. I think that I will go do that right now.
Now here is an interesting fact about the ticks that get on me and latch on. They die. That is right. When I find one actually attached to my body, it is always dead. My husband is my witness to this., I wonder if my blood is toxic to them. Could it be all those vitamins? Or could it be the antidepressant? Or is it just me? Whatever it is it makes them easy to remove. If you should have a live tick attached to you, get some alcohol, a cotton ball, and tweezers. Swab the area, then carefully lift the body of the tick. Pull slowly but steadily trying not to leave the mouthpiece in you. Then wipe the whole area with alcohol again. (this is my technique, not endorsed by anybody that I know of) Discard tick down the drain or toilet. From now on check yourself regularly- including hidden areas. I think that I will go do that right now.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Lawsuit is over
After two long years, the lawsuit against me is over. B. Capers, the guy suing me is, in my opinion, the slimiest scum alive. He is also, in my opinion, a pathetic sociopath who deserves to get some results from all the bad karma he has built up. THERE- now I feel better. I have lost all faith in the justice system. It doesn't have anything to do with justice, only with letting every nut case who can dial up a lawyer be heard. I was set to go to trial in October, but we tried mediation to see if we could get out of it for less than getting ready for the case. We did, but it was really brutal. For two hours that nut wouldn't budge from his demand in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Finally, finally after almost 5 hours he came down to around 20,000.00. His lawyer, also in my opionion a shyster, will get one third.
Here is the story in a nutshell. I was president of the Home Owners Association and we didn't have insurance. I had been president for five years. Bruce Capers wanted to build a house on a lot that he had bought for almost nothing (6 acres for thirty thousand ) because the neighbor's septic tank field was on the lot. This limited the building envelope severely. Most of the lot goes up a hill and is unbuildable anyway. So he makes the poor guy who sold it to him pay off our roadbuilding lien and then Capers takes the money and never pays the lien. Then he lies sto the HOA about having a contractor to build his house, He obtained a fraudulent building permit. Everyone in here was REALLY worried about what he was going to do on that lot. If his lips were moving, he was lying. He was buying books like Beginning Building, Plumbing for Idiots, and things like that. So, when the title agent called me to get some information, I mentioned that Bruce Capers had been pulling some shenanigans in here, didn't have a contractor, and we were all upset. LESSON 1. Don't ever talk to anyone about someone who is getting a loan- even if they ask!!!!!!! Which was what happened. The title agent, Frankie Matthews, told me the banker would want to know about this, and I said, Have him call me. He did and I told him about Brucie Boy. We had two other conversations. LESSON 2 REALLY don't talk to a banker about anyone unless you want to be accused of interfering with a contract!!!!! That is serious in Tennessee- triple damages! The bank cancelled his loan! So Bruce sends out a threatening letter to everyone in the HOA threatening to sue- called me a snobby bitch, arrogant bitch, DOCTOR'S WIFE BITCH, and threatened to "make me wish I was never born" Well, when I heard the doctor's wife comment I knew he was going to sue me. And he did. He sued the HOA, me as President, and me as individual. I had already resigned right as this was happening so there was a whole new board. They told Capers he didn't have to pay the 2000.00 he owed the HOA if he would drop the Homeowners Assoc. and me as Presidenet_BUT they left me flapping in the breeze with being sued as an individual. I was, and still am, angry beyond all measure. I wouldn't spit on those people if they were on fire. They were really good at protecting their ass, but that is about all.. A lot of people in here were upset about it, but there wasn't much they could do. LESSON 3- Stay away from a Homeowners Association if you possibly can. It is like living in a communist country. And I can say that after being a very benign dictator for five years!
So, we have a deposition with the banker, Mike Williams. He said that I was very polite, business like and didn't harass him at all. He went through all the problems with Bruce's loan etc. but I was totally exonerated. We are all high fiving and thinking it was ready to go for a motion to dismiss. Then when the lawyer starts to prepare the motion she discovers that she didn't have a signature on the deposition AND she had not waived signature. The lawyer, after having his memory "refreshed" by Caper's friend, makes huge changes on his deposition. Suddenly I am a heinous bitch. I fired that lawyer. She deserved more punishment than firing, but I was sick of lawyers. This was long and boring, I know, but so cathartic for me. It is a sad world when telling the truth gets you sued. Was I ever naive!!! Every day is a lesson, and this one was hard and emotionally draining. What goes around, comes around, so I'm sure that Bruce Capers will get his one day- soon, I hope.
Here is the story in a nutshell. I was president of the Home Owners Association and we didn't have insurance. I had been president for five years. Bruce Capers wanted to build a house on a lot that he had bought for almost nothing (6 acres for thirty thousand ) because the neighbor's septic tank field was on the lot. This limited the building envelope severely. Most of the lot goes up a hill and is unbuildable anyway. So he makes the poor guy who sold it to him pay off our roadbuilding lien and then Capers takes the money and never pays the lien. Then he lies sto the HOA about having a contractor to build his house, He obtained a fraudulent building permit. Everyone in here was REALLY worried about what he was going to do on that lot. If his lips were moving, he was lying. He was buying books like Beginning Building, Plumbing for Idiots, and things like that. So, when the title agent called me to get some information, I mentioned that Bruce Capers had been pulling some shenanigans in here, didn't have a contractor, and we were all upset. LESSON 1. Don't ever talk to anyone about someone who is getting a loan- even if they ask!!!!!!! Which was what happened. The title agent, Frankie Matthews, told me the banker would want to know about this, and I said, Have him call me. He did and I told him about Brucie Boy. We had two other conversations. LESSON 2 REALLY don't talk to a banker about anyone unless you want to be accused of interfering with a contract!!!!! That is serious in Tennessee- triple damages! The bank cancelled his loan! So Bruce sends out a threatening letter to everyone in the HOA threatening to sue- called me a snobby bitch, arrogant bitch, DOCTOR'S WIFE BITCH, and threatened to "make me wish I was never born" Well, when I heard the doctor's wife comment I knew he was going to sue me. And he did. He sued the HOA, me as President, and me as individual. I had already resigned right as this was happening so there was a whole new board. They told Capers he didn't have to pay the 2000.00 he owed the HOA if he would drop the Homeowners Assoc. and me as Presidenet_BUT they left me flapping in the breeze with being sued as an individual. I was, and still am, angry beyond all measure. I wouldn't spit on those people if they were on fire. They were really good at protecting their ass, but that is about all.. A lot of people in here were upset about it, but there wasn't much they could do. LESSON 3- Stay away from a Homeowners Association if you possibly can. It is like living in a communist country. And I can say that after being a very benign dictator for five years!
So, we have a deposition with the banker, Mike Williams. He said that I was very polite, business like and didn't harass him at all. He went through all the problems with Bruce's loan etc. but I was totally exonerated. We are all high fiving and thinking it was ready to go for a motion to dismiss. Then when the lawyer starts to prepare the motion she discovers that she didn't have a signature on the deposition AND she had not waived signature. The lawyer, after having his memory "refreshed" by Caper's friend, makes huge changes on his deposition. Suddenly I am a heinous bitch. I fired that lawyer. She deserved more punishment than firing, but I was sick of lawyers. This was long and boring, I know, but so cathartic for me. It is a sad world when telling the truth gets you sued. Was I ever naive!!! Every day is a lesson, and this one was hard and emotionally draining. What goes around, comes around, so I'm sure that Bruce Capers will get his one day- soon, I hope.
Learning New Things
Today my daughter, Rebecca, came over after her day at work. My IPod came today and she was going to show her Mom how to work this new fangled thing. It turned out to be not so hard after all, but sometimes the very thought of navigating a new device makes me feel so tired. It makes me think about growing up and being excited about getting a Princess phone and a stereo. It wasn't that long ago that TVs didn't have a remote and phones did have cords. I had an outside ringer for the phone put on my house so that I could hear the phone outside in the yard. My first cell phone really made me happy. I love to talk on the phone, and I love to be able to find my kids if I need to do so. So, all in all, I am happy with new technology. Right now, I am typing this on my Apple laptop. The other computer is a PC, so I learned new techniques, and that wasn't so bad either. I still have problems operating the DVD player. No one is perfect.
So now, I have room to download 2000 songs from my old CDs and from the Apple Store. That should keep me occupied for a while. Rebecca stopped to pick up barbeque sandwiches for us at the Loveless Restaurant. The dogs watched us and salivated. I am a softy and gave them some. After that we went to look at the clothes I had bought at TJ Maxx. I need to stay out of there. It is just too tempting when you can always find something that you "need." I give up shopping for Lent every year and it is really good for me- and my checkbook. I try to give to charity what I think I save by not hanging out at TJ Maxx.
Then Rebecca, dogs, and I went on a walk. We walked four miles, part of it up a big hill. I told her we get extra credit for walking up the hill. When we returned home Bec cleaned Slick. Slick is a frog that was given to Rebecca in college as a tadpole. He lived through college in the dorm, then through law school in an apartment, and he has been with me two years in the powder room in an aquarium. He gives my guests something to look at wonder about while using the potty. Invariably they come out of there with a question about the frog. I think he is the longest lived frog in the history of the world. Slick is now over 8 years old. He is really a pretty care free pet, except for when you go on vacation- like all pets. I take Bella the dog with me, but not a frog.
I did some more genealogy research tonight. It was frustrating, and I got tired. This is much more fun. I have been emailing my double cousin that I found while doing research. She is great and I feel that we have a real connection- more than genetic. One day I want to meet her and her family.
So now, I have room to download 2000 songs from my old CDs and from the Apple Store. That should keep me occupied for a while. Rebecca stopped to pick up barbeque sandwiches for us at the Loveless Restaurant. The dogs watched us and salivated. I am a softy and gave them some. After that we went to look at the clothes I had bought at TJ Maxx. I need to stay out of there. It is just too tempting when you can always find something that you "need." I give up shopping for Lent every year and it is really good for me- and my checkbook. I try to give to charity what I think I save by not hanging out at TJ Maxx.
Then Rebecca, dogs, and I went on a walk. We walked four miles, part of it up a big hill. I told her we get extra credit for walking up the hill. When we returned home Bec cleaned Slick. Slick is a frog that was given to Rebecca in college as a tadpole. He lived through college in the dorm, then through law school in an apartment, and he has been with me two years in the powder room in an aquarium. He gives my guests something to look at wonder about while using the potty. Invariably they come out of there with a question about the frog. I think he is the longest lived frog in the history of the world. Slick is now over 8 years old. He is really a pretty care free pet, except for when you go on vacation- like all pets. I take Bella the dog with me, but not a frog.
I did some more genealogy research tonight. It was frustrating, and I got tired. This is much more fun. I have been emailing my double cousin that I found while doing research. She is great and I feel that we have a real connection- more than genetic. One day I want to meet her and her family.
Friday, March 23, 2007
psychiatric malpractice
For most of my life, I have suffered with depression, and for the past ten years I have seen the same psychiatrist. I took Prozac for all this time and it usually worked, even though I only took 10 mgs. a day. Every once in a while, probably twice a year, I would have a setback, a trip to the Slough of Despond (from Pilgrims Progress). When that occured I would go to see my doctor, and invariable he would try to talk me into taking more mediation- or a different medication. Last year was really hard for me- Jon's brain injury and not being able to work, my surgery and not doing well, and the lawsuit continuing. So I did see the psychiatrist during this time.
The past few weeks, I have felt really depressed and anxious. I just couldn't pull out of it, even though I increased the Prozac somewhat. Finally, instead of seeing he psychiatrist, I went to see the therapist who had sent me to him in the first place. She was always kind and helpful, and now it was important that she did not charge as much for a visit as the doctor. She was alarmed that I seemed to have suicidal ideation and called the doctor. That same afternoon I went to see him and was surprised to see that he seemed really irritated that I called the therapist instead of him- even though I have seen them both the same length of time. He berated me somewhat and insisted that I start to take Cymbalta, and that I return the next day. I started a tiny dose of Cymbalta as prescribed and returned the next day.
That is when the horror began. For ten years he had been a kind, quiet doctor. I came to him for help again this time, and he attacked me verbally when I was most vunerable. For all the ten years he had been telling me that my depression was due to a biochemical imbalance , and that my amygdala was probably hyperactive. There was nothing wrong with me in any other way, and according to the psychiatrist, if only I would increase my meds, or change meds and follow his instructions I would be fine. I kept trying to get across for all these years that I don't like to take medication, that I wanted to get better without medication or additional medication anyway, and that I was terrified of side effects. Although he tried to harp on "living better through chemistry", I was never ridiculed in any way. He hit me with the cruelty when I got there this week. He told me that I thought that I was smarter than everyone else, that I was not open to new ideas, that I expected my doctors to treat me as a peer, that I was bi polar(!) (Damn I never did get to have a high), that I was grandiose, overly dramatic, that I had cried so loud the day before that his secretary heard me (now don't you think you should be able to cry in a psychiatrist's office, and do I give a damn that his secretary heard me?) , that my husband of 32 years was afraid of me (he has never talked to my husband) that I had a pathological relationship with my children and they were of afraid of me, ( also has never spoken to my kids) that I didn't really have any friends, that I deserved to be sued, that my lawyers were lying to me if they seemed to be taking my side, that I would die of Alzheimers, and have a heart attack or stroke if I didn't start his regimen of drugs, and that I didn't want to ever stop being depressed. He gave me malicious details on all these "points". Needless to say they are all untrue, except that I did cry really loudly, I'm afraid.
At first I thought this was some alternative therapy and tried to be light- such as "at least insurance pays for heart attacks, unlike psychotherapy", that I couldn't believe it took him 10 years to decide I was bi- polar and that I never had the fun high times if I was, etc. He became more and more furious. At one point he said, Yeah, you are smarter than me. I'm working six to six all week, and you are at home playing in your wildflower garden. " Then he told me to get out of his office and that he wouldn't see me again. I didn't know how to feel, I was so stunned. As the therapist put it, you should have stopped feeling suicidal and started feeling homicidal! My therapist was horrified and sent him a long email expressing her dismay and disapproval. My husband also sent a letter. I guess Dr. Reed just cracked up while seeing me. If I weren't basically a strong willed person, it would have really devastating effects. As it was, I cried all day, stayed awake all night, and felt even sadder. I just felt defeated. I also felt that I would have a really hard time trusting a psychiatrist again. My therapist has arranged for me to see a new psychiatrist and see if I can switch over to another antidepressant sucessfully. Maybe that will work, I hope so. I am blessed that I have such supportive family and friends. I love them and care about them and they do the same for me. I also just hope that he never does this to someone else. That would be so terrible. Maybe I'll be better soon.
The past few weeks, I have felt really depressed and anxious. I just couldn't pull out of it, even though I increased the Prozac somewhat. Finally, instead of seeing he psychiatrist, I went to see the therapist who had sent me to him in the first place. She was always kind and helpful, and now it was important that she did not charge as much for a visit as the doctor. She was alarmed that I seemed to have suicidal ideation and called the doctor. That same afternoon I went to see him and was surprised to see that he seemed really irritated that I called the therapist instead of him- even though I have seen them both the same length of time. He berated me somewhat and insisted that I start to take Cymbalta, and that I return the next day. I started a tiny dose of Cymbalta as prescribed and returned the next day.
That is when the horror began. For ten years he had been a kind, quiet doctor. I came to him for help again this time, and he attacked me verbally when I was most vunerable. For all the ten years he had been telling me that my depression was due to a biochemical imbalance , and that my amygdala was probably hyperactive. There was nothing wrong with me in any other way, and according to the psychiatrist, if only I would increase my meds, or change meds and follow his instructions I would be fine. I kept trying to get across for all these years that I don't like to take medication, that I wanted to get better without medication or additional medication anyway, and that I was terrified of side effects. Although he tried to harp on "living better through chemistry", I was never ridiculed in any way. He hit me with the cruelty when I got there this week. He told me that I thought that I was smarter than everyone else, that I was not open to new ideas, that I expected my doctors to treat me as a peer, that I was bi polar(!) (Damn I never did get to have a high), that I was grandiose, overly dramatic, that I had cried so loud the day before that his secretary heard me (now don't you think you should be able to cry in a psychiatrist's office, and do I give a damn that his secretary heard me?) , that my husband of 32 years was afraid of me (he has never talked to my husband) that I had a pathological relationship with my children and they were of afraid of me, ( also has never spoken to my kids) that I didn't really have any friends, that I deserved to be sued, that my lawyers were lying to me if they seemed to be taking my side, that I would die of Alzheimers, and have a heart attack or stroke if I didn't start his regimen of drugs, and that I didn't want to ever stop being depressed. He gave me malicious details on all these "points". Needless to say they are all untrue, except that I did cry really loudly, I'm afraid.
At first I thought this was some alternative therapy and tried to be light- such as "at least insurance pays for heart attacks, unlike psychotherapy", that I couldn't believe it took him 10 years to decide I was bi- polar and that I never had the fun high times if I was, etc. He became more and more furious. At one point he said, Yeah, you are smarter than me. I'm working six to six all week, and you are at home playing in your wildflower garden. " Then he told me to get out of his office and that he wouldn't see me again. I didn't know how to feel, I was so stunned. As the therapist put it, you should have stopped feeling suicidal and started feeling homicidal! My therapist was horrified and sent him a long email expressing her dismay and disapproval. My husband also sent a letter. I guess Dr. Reed just cracked up while seeing me. If I weren't basically a strong willed person, it would have really devastating effects. As it was, I cried all day, stayed awake all night, and felt even sadder. I just felt defeated. I also felt that I would have a really hard time trusting a psychiatrist again. My therapist has arranged for me to see a new psychiatrist and see if I can switch over to another antidepressant sucessfully. Maybe that will work, I hope so. I am blessed that I have such supportive family and friends. I love them and care about them and they do the same for me. I also just hope that he never does this to someone else. That would be so terrible. Maybe I'll be better soon.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Concussive syndrome
Yesterday was one year since Jon's accident and brain injury. Today we got more requests for information from the disability people and a phone call from them. I am so thankful that Jon is living and doing well. This past year has been full of adjustments and changes, but I think that we have done great. I can remember every detail of March 1st of last year. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny. Jon went with Dad in the morning to get some mulch, and then after lunch Jon decided to go on a bike ride. I left a few minutes earlier to take Josie and Bella to the dog park and then go to the grocery. When I got in the car from the dog park, the phone rang and it was my neighbor telling me that Jon had been in an accident. He had been taken to Vanderbilt in an ambulance. Just then, an ambulance passed me with the siren going. My brain went into some other type of survival mode. I dropped Josie and Bella off at Rebecca's place, and starting driving down West End to Vanderbilt. At the same time I called Rebecca, and thank God I reached her. She was going to meet me at the ER. Then I talked to Rob, Mom, and Vicki . It was a miracle to reach them all. When I got to the hospital, I was shaking so hard that I couldn't park. They were so kind to me, parked my car and took me in. Rebecca was there. Mom and Dad arrived shortly thereafter. Finally I got to see Jon. He was all cut up on his face and head. The ambulance drivers gave me his helmet which was dented. The miracle also was that the man who found Jon, J.D. saw the bike on the side of the road and stopped to see why someone had left it there. Jon was down the hill, almost in the ravine. J.D. called the ambulance and recognised Jon, so he called my neighbor who had my cell phone number. Thank God Jon was found.
Rob came home and Heather came first. She was here when I took Jon home from the hospital, and was a huge help. Rob was great emotional support and help also, as was Rebecca of course. I couldn't have made it without the kids. Jon was in another world, and I was so afraid that he would be that way forever. He told me that he didn't really feel anything for me anymore. I knew it was just his injury talking, but still, it was like a knife in my heart. Sometimes now, I get angry when he gets confused or exhibits signs of this concussive syndrome. Then, I feel so sad and guilty. Things are doing well though, and it could have been so much worse. Rehab helped a lot, and just time helped too. You never know when your life will just be flipped upside down, so it is good to try to enjoy every momemt that you are able.
Rob came home and Heather came first. She was here when I took Jon home from the hospital, and was a huge help. Rob was great emotional support and help also, as was Rebecca of course. I couldn't have made it without the kids. Jon was in another world, and I was so afraid that he would be that way forever. He told me that he didn't really feel anything for me anymore. I knew it was just his injury talking, but still, it was like a knife in my heart. Sometimes now, I get angry when he gets confused or exhibits signs of this concussive syndrome. Then, I feel so sad and guilty. Things are doing well though, and it could have been so much worse. Rehab helped a lot, and just time helped too. You never know when your life will just be flipped upside down, so it is good to try to enjoy every momemt that you are able.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
cancelled wedding
My daughter was supposed to get married in October of 2004. About six weeks before the wedding she decided that she didn't want to get married after all. Today I finally put all the engraved invitations into the recycling box. I did decide however to use the respond cards and the insert cards for the reception for notes. After all, they too were engraved and cost a lot of money. The inside envelopes (already calligraphied as were the envelopes) were also recycled. I did save the engraved extra envelopes with our address on them. After all, we can still use them. I put one invitation, one RSVP and envelope, and one reception insert and the copperplates in the box with keepsakes. I was really looking forward to the reception. We had booked the Tyrone Smith Revue. They played for George Bush's party at the White House. The reception was to be here, at our house. We had tents, a stage, lighting, a caterer, deluxe porta potties, valet parking and a policeman to keep any over imbibers from driving.
If you want to know what happened I can give you a synopsis. The groom's parents did not like my daughter. Also, they were strict Church of Christ and had a fit about any alcohol (and the dancing). They didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner anywhere that the guests could have a drink, even if the guests (or we) paid for it. Do you know what kind of places a rehearsal dinner where no alchol is served are like? They are like Cracker Barrell or the Old Spaghetti Factory. Bec got angry and cancelled out on a rehearsal dinner at all. It turned rather nasty. Then she got angry that her fiance never stood up to his parents and wouldn't tell them that he had a drink occasionally. The next thing I knew was that there was a lot of crying going on (both parties) and the wedding was off.
The whole time was a blur. I had to cancel flowers, the band, caterer, photographer, church, organist, minister, tents, porta potties, etc.etc. I paid the attendants for the dresses. Then I told my daughter, "We aren't doing this again." I would have liked to wear my dress, and Rebecca's wedding dress was so pretty. (We still have it of course.) Her father gave her the rest of the money we would have spent for a down payment on a condo.
I guess my point is that finally taking out those invitations after all this time brought up a lot of emotions for me. It was difficult.
If you want to know what happened I can give you a synopsis. The groom's parents did not like my daughter. Also, they were strict Church of Christ and had a fit about any alcohol (and the dancing). They didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner anywhere that the guests could have a drink, even if the guests (or we) paid for it. Do you know what kind of places a rehearsal dinner where no alchol is served are like? They are like Cracker Barrell or the Old Spaghetti Factory. Bec got angry and cancelled out on a rehearsal dinner at all. It turned rather nasty. Then she got angry that her fiance never stood up to his parents and wouldn't tell them that he had a drink occasionally. The next thing I knew was that there was a lot of crying going on (both parties) and the wedding was off.
The whole time was a blur. I had to cancel flowers, the band, caterer, photographer, church, organist, minister, tents, porta potties, etc.etc. I paid the attendants for the dresses. Then I told my daughter, "We aren't doing this again." I would have liked to wear my dress, and Rebecca's wedding dress was so pretty. (We still have it of course.) Her father gave her the rest of the money we would have spent for a down payment on a condo.
I guess my point is that finally taking out those invitations after all this time brought up a lot of emotions for me. It was difficult.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
bike riding
It was either work out on the machines or go on a bike ride today. No big decision- it was sunny and nice-and windy. All the way back we fought a head wind and it seemed that I was barely moving even though I was pedalling hard. It was good excercise and really nice to be outside. When I came home, I walked around the house to check for plants coming up and flowers blooming. The crocus in front are all out and a cheery yellow. The buttercups are blooming in spots, and budding everywhere else. I am ready for Spring, and I enjoy seeing the days get longer. When I was on a walk in the woods yesterday, I could hear a loud noise up ahead on the path. When I came to the little pond, frongs hopped everywhere. The Spring Peepers were having a wonderful time. There were eggs in the water also. I hope the pond does not dry up before they hatch and can make it on their own.
Bella was out chasing the vultures again today. She hates those vultures. They fly low over her, as if to taunt Bella, and she runs and runs across the yard with her head up in the air looking at them. She'll never get one, of course, but she never gives up. I think she enjoys it too.
Jon is watching Ben Hur on Turner Classic Movies. Rebecca is out on a "date" with a reporter from a local paper. I hope that she is having fun. Off to the shower for me.
Bella was out chasing the vultures again today. She hates those vultures. They fly low over her, as if to taunt Bella, and she runs and runs across the yard with her head up in the air looking at them. She'll never get one, of course, but she never gives up. I think she enjoys it too.
Jon is watching Ben Hur on Turner Classic Movies. Rebecca is out on a "date" with a reporter from a local paper. I hope that she is having fun. Off to the shower for me.
Monday, February 12, 2007
weekend with Nancy
I feel that I don't have anything exciting to write such as other bloggers do. Isn't a Chinese curse, "May you have an interesting life?" On Saturday night we went to a Valentines dinner at a friend's country club. It was hard to be sociable for so long. I felt like my smile was plastered on. All of the people at the table, except Susan and Darrel) were strangers. There were 12 of us altogether. Jon was having a good time talking to his neighbor, but the guy sitting next to me was hard to talk to. He was a big hunter and fisherman, and that pretty much sums up his interests. Not only that, but he advocated killing hawks because they kill quails (bobwhites). I tried to convince him that the numbers of quail were down because of loss of habitat, but he just likes to kill "varmints" and that includes coyotes, snakes, cats, etc. My policy is that the animals were here before we were, so just leave them alone, or try to make things easier for them. Jon and I actually pushed a rattlesnake off the road, very carefully! I love to hear the hawks as they fly. They have to eat too.
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful. My stomach has been really bothering me, probably from taking ibuprofen for several days. I just can't take it, even though I hurt a lot, it isn't worth the stomach pain. So I put on my "sick outfit" of baggy pants and matching top and didn't do much of anything. Also on Saturday night in the middle of the night, there was a huge crash. Jon and I jumped up, he got the gun, and I went to investigate. Alas, my big venetian mirror in the powder room had fallen apart. The panels of mirror fell off. What a mess. On Sunday, I Googled "venitian mirrors" and found the Mirror Lady site. I also found that a quality mirror should have the mirrored panels attached to the wood with tiny screws and a medallion. I ordered a 36 x24 Venetian mirror from her. I think that we will spend all our retirement money replacing things that break down.
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful. My stomach has been really bothering me, probably from taking ibuprofen for several days. I just can't take it, even though I hurt a lot, it isn't worth the stomach pain. So I put on my "sick outfit" of baggy pants and matching top and didn't do much of anything. Also on Saturday night in the middle of the night, there was a huge crash. Jon and I jumped up, he got the gun, and I went to investigate. Alas, my big venetian mirror in the powder room had fallen apart. The panels of mirror fell off. What a mess. On Sunday, I Googled "venitian mirrors" and found the Mirror Lady site. I also found that a quality mirror should have the mirrored panels attached to the wood with tiny screws and a medallion. I ordered a 36 x24 Venetian mirror from her. I think that we will spend all our retirement money replacing things that break down.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Last Friday I received my new gadget- a Garmin GPS for the car. At first I was reluctant to even hook it up. The thought of having to deal with another computer- new complicated instructions- a learning curve, etc. etc. was too much. But, when I took Rebecca to the airport on Friday afternoon, she brought it along and hooked it up. I think that it will be fairly user friendly, and "intuitive" as all the computer types like to say. The next day, I went to the internet and printed out the entire instrucion manual. Hey, what a racket, you have to print out your own 45 page manual. I wanted to take the manual in the car with me. The Garmin seemed to work great, but the first location that I entered from the "restauarants" menu took us to the wrong address- wrong street even. Fortunately, we knew where we were going anyway. It was just to see how it worked. I'm hoping that it will prove its worth when we drive to Seattle this summer.
Rebecca went to New Orleans this weekend. We took care of the dog and cat. Another reenforcement that I do not need any more animals!!!
I talked to the lawyer today about tht asshole who is suing me. For a change, I didn't cry on the phone so the lawyer kept saying , "you really sound better, you really sound good, etc. I almost hated to disappoint him, and wondered if I should sob a little. One day this will be over. Never , ever, ever be a president of a Home Owner's Association. Not only will you know WAY more about your neighbors than you wanted to know, but some insane asshole jerk could sue you too! No good deed goes unpunished!!!!!!
Rebecca went to New Orleans this weekend. We took care of the dog and cat. Another reenforcement that I do not need any more animals!!!
I talked to the lawyer today about tht asshole who is suing me. For a change, I didn't cry on the phone so the lawyer kept saying , "you really sound better, you really sound good, etc. I almost hated to disappoint him, and wondered if I should sob a little. One day this will be over. Never , ever, ever be a president of a Home Owner's Association. Not only will you know WAY more about your neighbors than you wanted to know, but some insane asshole jerk could sue you too! No good deed goes unpunished!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
plumbing problems and ripoff
Today I went to Bec's house to meet Mom and Dad. Dad was going to see if he could repair whatever was making water run from the upstairs bath down to the laundry room. Bec had to be at work of course, and I was already scheduled to meet the plumber at her house at 3:00. Dad (Pawpaw) was hoping to save her some money. First we all looked at the hole in the ceiling where the water had come through, but worse, we noticed that water was coming from the WALL of the laundry room and dripping down to the porch. I had stopped at the hardware store to get a new wax ring for the toilet if that was the problem. We took the commode off and put the new ring on. Flush----- and water again running into the laundry room. Fortuneately it would run right into the washer if the top was open. Then, we took the toilet off again and ran water right into the drain. It slowly filled up, but no water dripped down. The logic was then that the drain was stopped up, so the plumber must come. The flange was too short also, allowing water around it. We left the toilet disconnected, and I went to the liquor store to stock up on wine and to Harris Teeter for groceries. Snow is predicted so we MUST get groceries and liquor. It is a custom here. The schools have actually closed when there was only a prediction for snow-and it never snowed, but the schools were closed. I think of it as a town's excuse to close down. So I then went home for a little while to clean up and pick up Bella to take her to see Josie the dog.
We went to Bec's house and the plumber drove up in his big van truck. The toilet was disconnected so he snaked, then used another snake, and cleared the clog (we hope). But here is the shocker. He said the company's charge (Ben Franklin Plumbing) was 249 dollars to unclog, 249 to fix the flange on the toilet, and 249 to reseat the toilet. That is the biggest rip off. Rebecca began to cry and said to just leave the toilet disconnected. He then lowered the unclog fee to 99.00. I told him that it took us about 10 minutes to reseat the toilet today and that their price was highway robbery. You could go buy a whole new toilet and have it installed from Lowes for about 250.00. The way people take advantage is disgusting. Rebecca had been given the number of a plumber by some coworkers so she called him. He'll be there tomorrow evening if the weather is not too bad, or Monday if it is. Rebecca will be out of town Friday - Sunday. I'll be babysitting the dog Josie and Mr. Kitty again. They love it here.
I'm going to try to post a photo of the fawn twins who were born here this past spring, and who hung around all summer and fall. They are probably still part of the crowd that hangs out here, but I can't tell them apart any more.
We went to Bec's house and the plumber drove up in his big van truck. The toilet was disconnected so he snaked, then used another snake, and cleared the clog (we hope). But here is the shocker. He said the company's charge (Ben Franklin Plumbing) was 249 dollars to unclog, 249 to fix the flange on the toilet, and 249 to reseat the toilet. That is the biggest rip off. Rebecca began to cry and said to just leave the toilet disconnected. He then lowered the unclog fee to 99.00. I told him that it took us about 10 minutes to reseat the toilet today and that their price was highway robbery. You could go buy a whole new toilet and have it installed from Lowes for about 250.00. The way people take advantage is disgusting. Rebecca had been given the number of a plumber by some coworkers so she called him. He'll be there tomorrow evening if the weather is not too bad, or Monday if it is. Rebecca will be out of town Friday - Sunday. I'll be babysitting the dog Josie and Mr. Kitty again. They love it here.
I'm going to try to post a photo of the fawn twins who were born here this past spring, and who hung around all summer and fall. They are probably still part of the crowd that hangs out here, but I can't tell them apart any more.
Monday, January 29, 2007
a cold swim
If it is Monday, that means that I swim my mile. The pool which is outside is actually heated to 84 degrees, but getting in can be a mental struggle. Here is what I do. I go outside, not matter what the temperature, rather than enter the pool from indoors. There is not much time that you want to procrastinate while sitting in the cold. Once you get in, and start to swim, then you warm up quickly. I had the pool to myself again. That forty five minutes is really good meditation time. The trick is to not think of really stressful things during the swim. However, if you are thinking of stressful events, then at least you are working out the stress physically at the same time!
I also went to TJ Maxx. I am unfortunately addicted to TJ Maxx. For Lent, I don't do any shopping for 6 weeks. I only buy groceries and cleaning supplies. Today I found a Guess down coat for 59 dollars, a cashmere sweater for 25, a pair of casual pants for 10, and (not on sale) Ralph Lauren shoes for 59. Sadly, I am also addicted to shoes- sort of like Imelda Marcos. Jon asked me tonight, "what do you do with all those shoes?" I answered, "I look at them and wear each of them occasionally." They are arranged very neatly .
I watched the blue birds eat from the suet block. They wait patiently while the downy woodpeckers eat, and will eat the crumbs from the ground. They have such a sweet song and are so beautiful. We have quite a few blue bird boxes and this Spring I will add more. I also put them around the neighborhood to make a bluebird trail.
What I really, really, look forward to hearing this Spring is the Whipoorwill and Chuckwills Widow. I have a thrill in my soul when I hear them . It is a worry that development will take away their habitat. I wish that I knew how to make a preserve for the whipoorwills. It won't be long before we hear the Spring peepers too. Those little frogs start in March or so. They are one of the earliest signs of Spring.
Today I picked some more misguided buttercups. (daffodils) In the south corner of my garden they just get too anxious. The temp is supposed to drop to about 10 degrees tomorrow night so I picked all the buds. They will be bright and cheery in the house.
I didn't talk to anyone today except Rebecca. I keep wondering when I will hear from the attorney again. Everytime I have to talk to him I get all hysterical again. Here is some advice: Don;'t ever serve on a Homeowner's Board. You will end up hating everyone, frustrated, and angry. Hopefully, you wouldn't get sued like I did. I think the Board members that left me hanging out to dry are scum of the earth. They have no moral values or scruples. I have to repeat to myself- "The best revenge is living well." Exactly.
I also went to TJ Maxx. I am unfortunately addicted to TJ Maxx. For Lent, I don't do any shopping for 6 weeks. I only buy groceries and cleaning supplies. Today I found a Guess down coat for 59 dollars, a cashmere sweater for 25, a pair of casual pants for 10, and (not on sale) Ralph Lauren shoes for 59. Sadly, I am also addicted to shoes- sort of like Imelda Marcos. Jon asked me tonight, "what do you do with all those shoes?" I answered, "I look at them and wear each of them occasionally." They are arranged very neatly .
I watched the blue birds eat from the suet block. They wait patiently while the downy woodpeckers eat, and will eat the crumbs from the ground. They have such a sweet song and are so beautiful. We have quite a few blue bird boxes and this Spring I will add more. I also put them around the neighborhood to make a bluebird trail.
What I really, really, look forward to hearing this Spring is the Whipoorwill and Chuckwills Widow. I have a thrill in my soul when I hear them . It is a worry that development will take away their habitat. I wish that I knew how to make a preserve for the whipoorwills. It won't be long before we hear the Spring peepers too. Those little frogs start in March or so. They are one of the earliest signs of Spring.
Today I picked some more misguided buttercups. (daffodils) In the south corner of my garden they just get too anxious. The temp is supposed to drop to about 10 degrees tomorrow night so I picked all the buds. They will be bright and cheery in the house.
I didn't talk to anyone today except Rebecca. I keep wondering when I will hear from the attorney again. Everytime I have to talk to him I get all hysterical again. Here is some advice: Don;'t ever serve on a Homeowner's Board. You will end up hating everyone, frustrated, and angry. Hopefully, you wouldn't get sued like I did. I think the Board members that left me hanging out to dry are scum of the earth. They have no moral values or scruples. I have to repeat to myself- "The best revenge is living well." Exactly.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Back From Pensacola
Jon and I just got back from Pensacola (and Bella also). The Beach areas are still torn up, but downtown looked pretty much the same. I felt very depressed the whole time I was there. Really, I would just like to stay home, have my family near me, and never have to go anywhere. If that is really strange, so be it. When we were at dinner last night there were some rowdy drunk types getting an early start on Mardi Gras next to us. They were so loud, and I was so tense, that I started to cry and we left. I feel like I am on the slippery slope to insanity. I'm so tired of worrying about my family, my dog, the world, war, etc. etc. I just want to enjoy at least some things, and I just can't. Anyway, we didn't do much in Pensacola. We walked on the beach, looked at some condos for sale, drove around and not much else. Bec came over this afternoon for a while. Of course I loved seeing her. She is going to New Orleans again this weekend to see her sweetie, so we'll be babysitting Mr. Kitty and Josie.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
normal Wednesday
I was so tired today. Who knows why. Sometimes I feel just emotionally exhausted, and that translates into physical exhaustion. I went to swim anyway. The sun was shining intermittently and the pool temperature was perfect, I swim outside all year and it is nice to be outside . We are going to Florida tomorrow for a few days and I wanted to get a good workout . I haven't been anywhere in two years, so now I feel anxious about leaving home. I packed up some food today, and made my lists, and packed some clothes. I just hope that I can relax a little. It is a long drive, and I guess I'll be reading all the way. I also hope that Bella does ok down there.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
A traumatic nature event
It was traumatic for me and one of the participants anyway. I was in the kitchen making the weekly granola supply when I heard a "thump" on the glass laundry room door. Since I was only about 6 feet away, I stepped to the door to open it and put the poor male cardinal on the grill where he would be able to fly off once his stun wore off. Before I could open the door- whoosh- a hawk swooped down to the porch and grabbed the cardinal with his talons!!! All of this occurred with only glass separating us. I squealed and Bella the dog rushed to my aid. There was nothing to do however. I could see the hawk in the tree with his prize. I refuse to let my husband watch those upsetting Nature shows. Especially Penquins! That show started off so good, then an iceberg crashed into their island home. Next- no more home, but they are trapped and left to starve. I literally had nightmares about that.
There are always lots and lots of deer in the yard. Because we don't shoot at them (and because they have lots of grass to eat) they aren't even afraid of us. When I go out at night to take Bella for her potty break, I have to shoo them away from the proch. They fall back a little and snort and stomp their feet. Bella gave up on them a long time ago. I think her major change was last Spring when a doe had twins right in our side yard. A mother doe will leave her fawns in a "safe" spot while she forages, then will come back to get them. They will not move until she reappears. Sometimes hours pass. That is why people often think the mother has deserted her baby. At any rate, we couldn't mow around there and Bella had to stay away. The twins are now grown but still hanging around. Now we have a consistent population of about 8 does and one buck. I thought for sure the buck would be killed during hunting season, but he is still here. I'll try to post a photo. I love the deer, but I hate for them to eat my garden. The only thing that I have tried (and I have tried everything) that works is Liquid Fence. That stuff works like a charm. I have to buy it by the gallon though. I really need to put a salt block out. Maybe next time I go to the co-op, I'll pick up a mineral block.
My husband and I went to our retirement learning class on the spread of Indo European culture and language at the university. It sounds deadly, but the class is really fascinating and taught by a brilliant professor. It makes me feel happy to be learning something new and different. It also makes me happy to not have any tests or required reading! Instead of trying to memorize minutae, you can grasp the big picture and enjoy the subject much more.
In the afternoon we took Bella and the next door dog, Jazzie, for a walk in the woods. Jazzie has to stay in a pen all day while her family is at work, so we take her out for some R and R when we can. She is very sad and barks when we put her back in the pen, but I know she enjoys the walk ..
Now I'll go cook. I'm making rack of lamb, a rice pilaf, salad, and the bread I baked. Cooking for me is easy, but I understand that some people are very unsure when cooking. I really don't like to clean up though. Anything that can possibly be put in the dishwasher is going in. I bought a Fisher Paykey dish drawers. I use the bottom one for pots and pans. That dishwasher makes things much easier.
I hope to write more tomorrow.
There are always lots and lots of deer in the yard. Because we don't shoot at them (and because they have lots of grass to eat) they aren't even afraid of us. When I go out at night to take Bella for her potty break, I have to shoo them away from the proch. They fall back a little and snort and stomp their feet. Bella gave up on them a long time ago. I think her major change was last Spring when a doe had twins right in our side yard. A mother doe will leave her fawns in a "safe" spot while she forages, then will come back to get them. They will not move until she reappears. Sometimes hours pass. That is why people often think the mother has deserted her baby. At any rate, we couldn't mow around there and Bella had to stay away. The twins are now grown but still hanging around. Now we have a consistent population of about 8 does and one buck. I thought for sure the buck would be killed during hunting season, but he is still here. I'll try to post a photo. I love the deer, but I hate for them to eat my garden. The only thing that I have tried (and I have tried everything) that works is Liquid Fence. That stuff works like a charm. I have to buy it by the gallon though. I really need to put a salt block out. Maybe next time I go to the co-op, I'll pick up a mineral block.
My husband and I went to our retirement learning class on the spread of Indo European culture and language at the university. It sounds deadly, but the class is really fascinating and taught by a brilliant professor. It makes me feel happy to be learning something new and different. It also makes me happy to not have any tests or required reading! Instead of trying to memorize minutae, you can grasp the big picture and enjoy the subject much more.
In the afternoon we took Bella and the next door dog, Jazzie, for a walk in the woods. Jazzie has to stay in a pen all day while her family is at work, so we take her out for some R and R when we can. She is very sad and barks when we put her back in the pen, but I know she enjoys the walk ..
Now I'll go cook. I'm making rack of lamb, a rice pilaf, salad, and the bread I baked. Cooking for me is easy, but I understand that some people are very unsure when cooking. I really don't like to clean up though. Anything that can possibly be put in the dishwasher is going in. I bought a Fisher Paykey dish drawers. I use the bottom one for pots and pans. That dishwasher makes things much easier.
I hope to write more tomorrow.
Monday, January 22, 2007
still starting out
I swam today for my excercise. For 26 years I have been swimming laps. Miles and miles of laps. I swim a mile at least two times a week. It used to be 3 times a week, but now I do the elliptical machine at least once a week. I call it the "sweatomatic" Swimming doesn't hurt me like other exercise sometimes does. I walk also. And sometimes bike. Every day at least 30 minutes of something. It gets to be like brushing your teeth. You wouldn't think of not doing it. I am afraid of getting fat. My mother is plump. It is bad enough to get old and see the rot set in. I just don't want to be out of shape. After surgery, I was so afraid of losing all my stamina and strength. And I did!!! It took a long time to get back. I was supposed to walk after my spine surgery. It was July and August- a heat wave. I would fall asleep outside on the daybed or swing on the porch and wake up to a sweat outline of me on the fabric. I had to take pain pills, but I was so afraid I would get addicted. So I would take little nibbles off of the pill. I think it helped. A fentanyl pain patch was also prescribed. It worked like a charm, but I was afraid that I would get addicted so I took it off. No gradual things for me!! I had withdrawal symtoms. The whole thing was so frightening. I was so afraid of not being in control. And I wasn't. I wasn't in control of anything. I'm still trying to settle the thought in my mind that we can lose control of our life so easily. It can happen so quickly- like with my husband's accident. And like my dog's epilepsy. I couldn't control that no matter how much I wanted to do so. Control is a big issue with me. Is it with all people?
starting out
I never even read a blog until today. My good friend Marsha sent me a link to an Iraqi girl's blog. It was moving, although I thought- is this propaganda? Then I thought, "Hey, what excellent therapy for a nervous wreck like me." You write how you feel and what you think. I've kept a diary since I was 11 years old. I have them all in a safe at home with a note on top saying that they go to my daughter, who is 27. I still write every night, but this is new-and I never will run out of ink. Out of battery maybe, but not ink. I have a son who is 35. He lives in Seattle, so I don't get to see him very often. He gave me a camera for my laptop so that we can look at each other and talk on instant messenger. My children and I are very close. I talk to my daughter who lives in the same town every day, about 5 times a day. We are best friends. I talk to my son almost every day- sometimes twice a day. He is married, but my daughter is not. She has a steady guy though now going to law school out of state. She is a lawyer. My husband is a doctor. He is not working now. On March 1 he was in a bicycle accident and had a head injury. He is doing very well now, but won't work again. The whole change thing was difficult for him and me. I worry that we will not have enough money to live on in our old age all the time. I just don't trust in much of anything. My dog is a rescued Rottweiler. This is my second Rottweiler. The first one had terrible epilepsy and finally I euthanised her. it was so horrible that I felt like a murderer and sought psychiatric help. I still cry when I think of her. She suffered so with the seizures and nothing could control them. Now this dog is like my black furry child also. When I got her, she was so think and sick and afraid. Now she is spoiled and happy. However, she has had a checkered medical history. She has Addison's disease, which means that her Adrenal glands have failed. Every month she gets an injection that costs 150.00. I thank God that we can afford it because I do love her so. Bella has had two other surgeries this year. She had a blocked bladder from struvite stones and had an emergency surgery. Then she had a small cancer on her neck. It was a low grade malignancy, so I'm hoping for the best. I should have said- Last year. This is only January, and I'm hoping it will be better than last year. . I also had surgery last year. I had a ruptured disc in my spine. Then I didn't get any better after surgery. The pain was so bad that I wanted to die. I've had an intestinal obstruction and I think this was worse. It was worse than natural childbirth too. I am also being sued- but that is a long story not for this entry. I was a homeowners president for five years and a vindictive homeowner is out to, in his words, "make me wish I'd never been born." I obsess about this, although I try not to. I live on 15 acres on top of a hill. It is beautiful and so peaceful. I thank God for my home. The house isn't a big mansion, but everyone who comes in says that it is so warm and cozy. That is what I want in all my life. That is what I want for my children and my husband and my dog and for all of you. Warmth and happiness.
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