Today my daughter, Rebecca, came over after her day at work. My IPod came today and she was going to show her Mom how to work this new fangled thing. It turned out to be not so hard after all, but sometimes the very thought of navigating a new device makes me feel so tired. It makes me think about growing up and being excited about getting a Princess phone and a stereo. It wasn't that long ago that TVs didn't have a remote and phones did have cords. I had an outside ringer for the phone put on my house so that I could hear the phone outside in the yard. My first cell phone really made me happy. I love to talk on the phone, and I love to be able to find my kids if I need to do so. So, all in all, I am happy with new technology. Right now, I am typing this on my Apple laptop. The other computer is a PC, so I learned new techniques, and that wasn't so bad either. I still have problems operating the DVD player. No one is perfect.
So now, I have room to download 2000 songs from my old CDs and from the Apple Store. That should keep me occupied for a while. Rebecca stopped to pick up barbeque sandwiches for us at the Loveless Restaurant. The dogs watched us and salivated. I am a softy and gave them some. After that we went to look at the clothes I had bought at TJ Maxx. I need to stay out of there. It is just too tempting when you can always find something that you "need." I give up shopping for Lent every year and it is really good for me- and my checkbook. I try to give to charity what I think I save by not hanging out at TJ Maxx.
Then Rebecca, dogs, and I went on a walk. We walked four miles, part of it up a big hill. I told her we get extra credit for walking up the hill. When we returned home Bec cleaned Slick. Slick is a frog that was given to Rebecca in college as a tadpole. He lived through college in the dorm, then through law school in an apartment, and he has been with me two years in the powder room in an aquarium. He gives my guests something to look at wonder about while using the potty. Invariably they come out of there with a question about the frog. I think he is the longest lived frog in the history of the world. Slick is now over 8 years old. He is really a pretty care free pet, except for when you go on vacation- like all pets. I take Bella the dog with me, but not a frog.
I did some more genealogy research tonight. It was frustrating, and I got tired. This is much more fun. I have been emailing my double cousin that I found while doing research. She is great and I feel that we have a real connection- more than genetic. One day I want to meet her and her family.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
psychiatric malpractice
For most of my life, I have suffered with depression, and for the past ten years I have seen the same psychiatrist. I took Prozac for all this time and it usually worked, even though I only took 10 mgs. a day. Every once in a while, probably twice a year, I would have a setback, a trip to the Slough of Despond (from Pilgrims Progress). When that occured I would go to see my doctor, and invariable he would try to talk me into taking more mediation- or a different medication. Last year was really hard for me- Jon's brain injury and not being able to work, my surgery and not doing well, and the lawsuit continuing. So I did see the psychiatrist during this time.
The past few weeks, I have felt really depressed and anxious. I just couldn't pull out of it, even though I increased the Prozac somewhat. Finally, instead of seeing he psychiatrist, I went to see the therapist who had sent me to him in the first place. She was always kind and helpful, and now it was important that she did not charge as much for a visit as the doctor. She was alarmed that I seemed to have suicidal ideation and called the doctor. That same afternoon I went to see him and was surprised to see that he seemed really irritated that I called the therapist instead of him- even though I have seen them both the same length of time. He berated me somewhat and insisted that I start to take Cymbalta, and that I return the next day. I started a tiny dose of Cymbalta as prescribed and returned the next day.
That is when the horror began. For ten years he had been a kind, quiet doctor. I came to him for help again this time, and he attacked me verbally when I was most vunerable. For all the ten years he had been telling me that my depression was due to a biochemical imbalance , and that my amygdala was probably hyperactive. There was nothing wrong with me in any other way, and according to the psychiatrist, if only I would increase my meds, or change meds and follow his instructions I would be fine. I kept trying to get across for all these years that I don't like to take medication, that I wanted to get better without medication or additional medication anyway, and that I was terrified of side effects. Although he tried to harp on "living better through chemistry", I was never ridiculed in any way. He hit me with the cruelty when I got there this week. He told me that I thought that I was smarter than everyone else, that I was not open to new ideas, that I expected my doctors to treat me as a peer, that I was bi polar(!) (Damn I never did get to have a high), that I was grandiose, overly dramatic, that I had cried so loud the day before that his secretary heard me (now don't you think you should be able to cry in a psychiatrist's office, and do I give a damn that his secretary heard me?) , that my husband of 32 years was afraid of me (he has never talked to my husband) that I had a pathological relationship with my children and they were of afraid of me, ( also has never spoken to my kids) that I didn't really have any friends, that I deserved to be sued, that my lawyers were lying to me if they seemed to be taking my side, that I would die of Alzheimers, and have a heart attack or stroke if I didn't start his regimen of drugs, and that I didn't want to ever stop being depressed. He gave me malicious details on all these "points". Needless to say they are all untrue, except that I did cry really loudly, I'm afraid.
At first I thought this was some alternative therapy and tried to be light- such as "at least insurance pays for heart attacks, unlike psychotherapy", that I couldn't believe it took him 10 years to decide I was bi- polar and that I never had the fun high times if I was, etc. He became more and more furious. At one point he said, Yeah, you are smarter than me. I'm working six to six all week, and you are at home playing in your wildflower garden. " Then he told me to get out of his office and that he wouldn't see me again. I didn't know how to feel, I was so stunned. As the therapist put it, you should have stopped feeling suicidal and started feeling homicidal! My therapist was horrified and sent him a long email expressing her dismay and disapproval. My husband also sent a letter. I guess Dr. Reed just cracked up while seeing me. If I weren't basically a strong willed person, it would have really devastating effects. As it was, I cried all day, stayed awake all night, and felt even sadder. I just felt defeated. I also felt that I would have a really hard time trusting a psychiatrist again. My therapist has arranged for me to see a new psychiatrist and see if I can switch over to another antidepressant sucessfully. Maybe that will work, I hope so. I am blessed that I have such supportive family and friends. I love them and care about them and they do the same for me. I also just hope that he never does this to someone else. That would be so terrible. Maybe I'll be better soon.
The past few weeks, I have felt really depressed and anxious. I just couldn't pull out of it, even though I increased the Prozac somewhat. Finally, instead of seeing he psychiatrist, I went to see the therapist who had sent me to him in the first place. She was always kind and helpful, and now it was important that she did not charge as much for a visit as the doctor. She was alarmed that I seemed to have suicidal ideation and called the doctor. That same afternoon I went to see him and was surprised to see that he seemed really irritated that I called the therapist instead of him- even though I have seen them both the same length of time. He berated me somewhat and insisted that I start to take Cymbalta, and that I return the next day. I started a tiny dose of Cymbalta as prescribed and returned the next day.
That is when the horror began. For ten years he had been a kind, quiet doctor. I came to him for help again this time, and he attacked me verbally when I was most vunerable. For all the ten years he had been telling me that my depression was due to a biochemical imbalance , and that my amygdala was probably hyperactive. There was nothing wrong with me in any other way, and according to the psychiatrist, if only I would increase my meds, or change meds and follow his instructions I would be fine. I kept trying to get across for all these years that I don't like to take medication, that I wanted to get better without medication or additional medication anyway, and that I was terrified of side effects. Although he tried to harp on "living better through chemistry", I was never ridiculed in any way. He hit me with the cruelty when I got there this week. He told me that I thought that I was smarter than everyone else, that I was not open to new ideas, that I expected my doctors to treat me as a peer, that I was bi polar(!) (Damn I never did get to have a high), that I was grandiose, overly dramatic, that I had cried so loud the day before that his secretary heard me (now don't you think you should be able to cry in a psychiatrist's office, and do I give a damn that his secretary heard me?) , that my husband of 32 years was afraid of me (he has never talked to my husband) that I had a pathological relationship with my children and they were of afraid of me, ( also has never spoken to my kids) that I didn't really have any friends, that I deserved to be sued, that my lawyers were lying to me if they seemed to be taking my side, that I would die of Alzheimers, and have a heart attack or stroke if I didn't start his regimen of drugs, and that I didn't want to ever stop being depressed. He gave me malicious details on all these "points". Needless to say they are all untrue, except that I did cry really loudly, I'm afraid.
At first I thought this was some alternative therapy and tried to be light- such as "at least insurance pays for heart attacks, unlike psychotherapy", that I couldn't believe it took him 10 years to decide I was bi- polar and that I never had the fun high times if I was, etc. He became more and more furious. At one point he said, Yeah, you are smarter than me. I'm working six to six all week, and you are at home playing in your wildflower garden. " Then he told me to get out of his office and that he wouldn't see me again. I didn't know how to feel, I was so stunned. As the therapist put it, you should have stopped feeling suicidal and started feeling homicidal! My therapist was horrified and sent him a long email expressing her dismay and disapproval. My husband also sent a letter. I guess Dr. Reed just cracked up while seeing me. If I weren't basically a strong willed person, it would have really devastating effects. As it was, I cried all day, stayed awake all night, and felt even sadder. I just felt defeated. I also felt that I would have a really hard time trusting a psychiatrist again. My therapist has arranged for me to see a new psychiatrist and see if I can switch over to another antidepressant sucessfully. Maybe that will work, I hope so. I am blessed that I have such supportive family and friends. I love them and care about them and they do the same for me. I also just hope that he never does this to someone else. That would be so terrible. Maybe I'll be better soon.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Concussive syndrome
Yesterday was one year since Jon's accident and brain injury. Today we got more requests for information from the disability people and a phone call from them. I am so thankful that Jon is living and doing well. This past year has been full of adjustments and changes, but I think that we have done great. I can remember every detail of March 1st of last year. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny. Jon went with Dad in the morning to get some mulch, and then after lunch Jon decided to go on a bike ride. I left a few minutes earlier to take Josie and Bella to the dog park and then go to the grocery. When I got in the car from the dog park, the phone rang and it was my neighbor telling me that Jon had been in an accident. He had been taken to Vanderbilt in an ambulance. Just then, an ambulance passed me with the siren going. My brain went into some other type of survival mode. I dropped Josie and Bella off at Rebecca's place, and starting driving down West End to Vanderbilt. At the same time I called Rebecca, and thank God I reached her. She was going to meet me at the ER. Then I talked to Rob, Mom, and Vicki . It was a miracle to reach them all. When I got to the hospital, I was shaking so hard that I couldn't park. They were so kind to me, parked my car and took me in. Rebecca was there. Mom and Dad arrived shortly thereafter. Finally I got to see Jon. He was all cut up on his face and head. The ambulance drivers gave me his helmet which was dented. The miracle also was that the man who found Jon, J.D. saw the bike on the side of the road and stopped to see why someone had left it there. Jon was down the hill, almost in the ravine. J.D. called the ambulance and recognised Jon, so he called my neighbor who had my cell phone number. Thank God Jon was found.
Rob came home and Heather came first. She was here when I took Jon home from the hospital, and was a huge help. Rob was great emotional support and help also, as was Rebecca of course. I couldn't have made it without the kids. Jon was in another world, and I was so afraid that he would be that way forever. He told me that he didn't really feel anything for me anymore. I knew it was just his injury talking, but still, it was like a knife in my heart. Sometimes now, I get angry when he gets confused or exhibits signs of this concussive syndrome. Then, I feel so sad and guilty. Things are doing well though, and it could have been so much worse. Rehab helped a lot, and just time helped too. You never know when your life will just be flipped upside down, so it is good to try to enjoy every momemt that you are able.
Rob came home and Heather came first. She was here when I took Jon home from the hospital, and was a huge help. Rob was great emotional support and help also, as was Rebecca of course. I couldn't have made it without the kids. Jon was in another world, and I was so afraid that he would be that way forever. He told me that he didn't really feel anything for me anymore. I knew it was just his injury talking, but still, it was like a knife in my heart. Sometimes now, I get angry when he gets confused or exhibits signs of this concussive syndrome. Then, I feel so sad and guilty. Things are doing well though, and it could have been so much worse. Rehab helped a lot, and just time helped too. You never know when your life will just be flipped upside down, so it is good to try to enjoy every momemt that you are able.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
cancelled wedding
My daughter was supposed to get married in October of 2004. About six weeks before the wedding she decided that she didn't want to get married after all. Today I finally put all the engraved invitations into the recycling box. I did decide however to use the respond cards and the insert cards for the reception for notes. After all, they too were engraved and cost a lot of money. The inside envelopes (already calligraphied as were the envelopes) were also recycled. I did save the engraved extra envelopes with our address on them. After all, we can still use them. I put one invitation, one RSVP and envelope, and one reception insert and the copperplates in the box with keepsakes. I was really looking forward to the reception. We had booked the Tyrone Smith Revue. They played for George Bush's party at the White House. The reception was to be here, at our house. We had tents, a stage, lighting, a caterer, deluxe porta potties, valet parking and a policeman to keep any over imbibers from driving.
If you want to know what happened I can give you a synopsis. The groom's parents did not like my daughter. Also, they were strict Church of Christ and had a fit about any alcohol (and the dancing). They didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner anywhere that the guests could have a drink, even if the guests (or we) paid for it. Do you know what kind of places a rehearsal dinner where no alchol is served are like? They are like Cracker Barrell or the Old Spaghetti Factory. Bec got angry and cancelled out on a rehearsal dinner at all. It turned rather nasty. Then she got angry that her fiance never stood up to his parents and wouldn't tell them that he had a drink occasionally. The next thing I knew was that there was a lot of crying going on (both parties) and the wedding was off.
The whole time was a blur. I had to cancel flowers, the band, caterer, photographer, church, organist, minister, tents, porta potties, etc.etc. I paid the attendants for the dresses. Then I told my daughter, "We aren't doing this again." I would have liked to wear my dress, and Rebecca's wedding dress was so pretty. (We still have it of course.) Her father gave her the rest of the money we would have spent for a down payment on a condo.
I guess my point is that finally taking out those invitations after all this time brought up a lot of emotions for me. It was difficult.
If you want to know what happened I can give you a synopsis. The groom's parents did not like my daughter. Also, they were strict Church of Christ and had a fit about any alcohol (and the dancing). They didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner anywhere that the guests could have a drink, even if the guests (or we) paid for it. Do you know what kind of places a rehearsal dinner where no alchol is served are like? They are like Cracker Barrell or the Old Spaghetti Factory. Bec got angry and cancelled out on a rehearsal dinner at all. It turned rather nasty. Then she got angry that her fiance never stood up to his parents and wouldn't tell them that he had a drink occasionally. The next thing I knew was that there was a lot of crying going on (both parties) and the wedding was off.
The whole time was a blur. I had to cancel flowers, the band, caterer, photographer, church, organist, minister, tents, porta potties, etc.etc. I paid the attendants for the dresses. Then I told my daughter, "We aren't doing this again." I would have liked to wear my dress, and Rebecca's wedding dress was so pretty. (We still have it of course.) Her father gave her the rest of the money we would have spent for a down payment on a condo.
I guess my point is that finally taking out those invitations after all this time brought up a lot of emotions for me. It was difficult.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
bike riding
It was either work out on the machines or go on a bike ride today. No big decision- it was sunny and nice-and windy. All the way back we fought a head wind and it seemed that I was barely moving even though I was pedalling hard. It was good excercise and really nice to be outside. When I came home, I walked around the house to check for plants coming up and flowers blooming. The crocus in front are all out and a cheery yellow. The buttercups are blooming in spots, and budding everywhere else. I am ready for Spring, and I enjoy seeing the days get longer. When I was on a walk in the woods yesterday, I could hear a loud noise up ahead on the path. When I came to the little pond, frongs hopped everywhere. The Spring Peepers were having a wonderful time. There were eggs in the water also. I hope the pond does not dry up before they hatch and can make it on their own.
Bella was out chasing the vultures again today. She hates those vultures. They fly low over her, as if to taunt Bella, and she runs and runs across the yard with her head up in the air looking at them. She'll never get one, of course, but she never gives up. I think she enjoys it too.
Jon is watching Ben Hur on Turner Classic Movies. Rebecca is out on a "date" with a reporter from a local paper. I hope that she is having fun. Off to the shower for me.
Bella was out chasing the vultures again today. She hates those vultures. They fly low over her, as if to taunt Bella, and she runs and runs across the yard with her head up in the air looking at them. She'll never get one, of course, but she never gives up. I think she enjoys it too.
Jon is watching Ben Hur on Turner Classic Movies. Rebecca is out on a "date" with a reporter from a local paper. I hope that she is having fun. Off to the shower for me.
Monday, February 12, 2007
weekend with Nancy
I feel that I don't have anything exciting to write such as other bloggers do. Isn't a Chinese curse, "May you have an interesting life?" On Saturday night we went to a Valentines dinner at a friend's country club. It was hard to be sociable for so long. I felt like my smile was plastered on. All of the people at the table, except Susan and Darrel) were strangers. There were 12 of us altogether. Jon was having a good time talking to his neighbor, but the guy sitting next to me was hard to talk to. He was a big hunter and fisherman, and that pretty much sums up his interests. Not only that, but he advocated killing hawks because they kill quails (bobwhites). I tried to convince him that the numbers of quail were down because of loss of habitat, but he just likes to kill "varmints" and that includes coyotes, snakes, cats, etc. My policy is that the animals were here before we were, so just leave them alone, or try to make things easier for them. Jon and I actually pushed a rattlesnake off the road, very carefully! I love to hear the hawks as they fly. They have to eat too.
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful. My stomach has been really bothering me, probably from taking ibuprofen for several days. I just can't take it, even though I hurt a lot, it isn't worth the stomach pain. So I put on my "sick outfit" of baggy pants and matching top and didn't do much of anything. Also on Saturday night in the middle of the night, there was a huge crash. Jon and I jumped up, he got the gun, and I went to investigate. Alas, my big venetian mirror in the powder room had fallen apart. The panels of mirror fell off. What a mess. On Sunday, I Googled "venitian mirrors" and found the Mirror Lady site. I also found that a quality mirror should have the mirrored panels attached to the wood with tiny screws and a medallion. I ordered a 36 x24 Venetian mirror from her. I think that we will spend all our retirement money replacing things that break down.
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful. My stomach has been really bothering me, probably from taking ibuprofen for several days. I just can't take it, even though I hurt a lot, it isn't worth the stomach pain. So I put on my "sick outfit" of baggy pants and matching top and didn't do much of anything. Also on Saturday night in the middle of the night, there was a huge crash. Jon and I jumped up, he got the gun, and I went to investigate. Alas, my big venetian mirror in the powder room had fallen apart. The panels of mirror fell off. What a mess. On Sunday, I Googled "venitian mirrors" and found the Mirror Lady site. I also found that a quality mirror should have the mirrored panels attached to the wood with tiny screws and a medallion. I ordered a 36 x24 Venetian mirror from her. I think that we will spend all our retirement money replacing things that break down.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Last Friday I received my new gadget- a Garmin GPS for the car. At first I was reluctant to even hook it up. The thought of having to deal with another computer- new complicated instructions- a learning curve, etc. etc. was too much. But, when I took Rebecca to the airport on Friday afternoon, she brought it along and hooked it up. I think that it will be fairly user friendly, and "intuitive" as all the computer types like to say. The next day, I went to the internet and printed out the entire instrucion manual. Hey, what a racket, you have to print out your own 45 page manual. I wanted to take the manual in the car with me. The Garmin seemed to work great, but the first location that I entered from the "restauarants" menu took us to the wrong address- wrong street even. Fortunately, we knew where we were going anyway. It was just to see how it worked. I'm hoping that it will prove its worth when we drive to Seattle this summer.
Rebecca went to New Orleans this weekend. We took care of the dog and cat. Another reenforcement that I do not need any more animals!!!
I talked to the lawyer today about tht asshole who is suing me. For a change, I didn't cry on the phone so the lawyer kept saying , "you really sound better, you really sound good, etc. I almost hated to disappoint him, and wondered if I should sob a little. One day this will be over. Never , ever, ever be a president of a Home Owner's Association. Not only will you know WAY more about your neighbors than you wanted to know, but some insane asshole jerk could sue you too! No good deed goes unpunished!!!!!!
Rebecca went to New Orleans this weekend. We took care of the dog and cat. Another reenforcement that I do not need any more animals!!!
I talked to the lawyer today about tht asshole who is suing me. For a change, I didn't cry on the phone so the lawyer kept saying , "you really sound better, you really sound good, etc. I almost hated to disappoint him, and wondered if I should sob a little. One day this will be over. Never , ever, ever be a president of a Home Owner's Association. Not only will you know WAY more about your neighbors than you wanted to know, but some insane asshole jerk could sue you too! No good deed goes unpunished!!!!!!
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